How to Succeed by Being an Asshole.

Let's take a moment to talk about online dating, hmm?

I'm not really going to recommend online dating, or condemn it. It can be successful, but it can also be disastrous. It's not for everyone. I did meet Jeff (my wonderful fella, who I've been with for almost four years) online, but other than that, I don't have a whole lot of personal experience actually meeting anyone off the internet. What I WILL say, however, is that if you ARE going to try online dating, don't be embarrassed by it. I used to lie to people about how Jeff and I met, but really? Who cares? You're awesome, and if you meet someone else awesome, who cares how you met, or what people think? Plus, it's 2012. Everyone dates online these days. Get over it.

Moving on.

What I wanted to discuss is creating your "dating profile", or whatever. A few of my friends recently decided to give online dating a whirl, and everyone always seems to have a pretty tough time deciding what to say in their profile. Even though I'm in a happy, committed relationship, I still occasionally browse peoples' (not even necessarily just men) dating profiles. I think it's entertaining. Now, I certainly don't consider myself to be the most desirable woman on the planet. In fact, I'm pretty gross at times, and I'm blunt and kind of mean. Nor am I BY ANY MEANS the hottest piece of ass on such and such a website. However, as far as online dating goes, I (to this day) get a LOT of...interest? And a lot of it isn't just gross perverts with naked torso only profile pictures (there are a LOT of those) saying "hey hun, ur gorgeous...wanna hang out.?" (Though I get a lot of that, too.) I get a lot of witty messages from legit, attractive dudes.

I'm getting off track. My point is, the vast majority of profiles I come across are either 1.) Boring; 2.) Annoying; or 3.) Make the subject of the profile seem absolutely, mind-numbingly stupid. I am absolutely, 100% positive that the reason I have had ANY of the success I have had is because my profile is (or does) none of the above. How, you ask, did I create such a fascinating, captivating dating profile?

I'll answer that question.

I made shit up.

Seriously. My profile consists of a bunch of random, ridiculous information. When I originally made it, I wasn't really looking to meet anyone; I was bored and wanted to mess with people. My personal bio is a verbatim SNL sketch. I claim to be a garbageman who is a juggalo with a penchant for dog fighting. You may think that sounds really, really stupid. And you're right. It absolutely is. But guess what? Guys love that shit. How many girls do you know who can make a guy legitimately laugh? Not many. And in my opinion, the point of having a profile is to get noticed. You're not going to get noticed by talking about how much you love the beach and reading Nicholas Sparks novels. My profile shows that I'm smart enough to come up with something witty, and that I don't take myself too seriously, which makes me appear less annoying than about 75% of the female (or male) population. You can "connect" and give ACTUAL information about yourself later, when you're actually talking to the dude and have decided that HE'S interesting enough to talk to in the first place. My stupid profile is so successful, in fact, that I've gained a cult following on various nerdy websites after being front-paged (whatever that means) on Reddit a couple months ago. Check this shit out: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/rrnhk/okcupid_finally_found_me_a_match/

Anyway, you don't necessarily have to go all-out and make up outrageous lies to have a successful online dating profile. Just use your sense of humor. Be a little silly, or sarcastic. Don't take yourself so seriously. And definitely, DEFINITELY do not use stupid duck face pictures, angled shots, or (ESPECIALLY) teenager-y looking myspace mirror photos. You're better than that!

Yeah!