Thursday, May 24, 2012

Richard, my sciatica is acting up again!

Welp, it's happening. I'm 27. I'm in my late 20's. And friends?

I'm getting old.

I've been noticing a lot of things lately that support this theory. Little, subtle things. Scary things. Let's discuss.

1.) I watch Jeopardy. Every night. Faithfully. I've developed intense, stalkerish crushes on more than one contestant. In fact, I TiVo Jeopardy.

2.) 9 out of 10 times, I'd prefer to spend my (theoretical) weekends looking at houses and  wandering through Whole Foods than partying and making regrettable choices.

3.) Speaking of partying and making regrettable choices, a lot of my friends still go out several nights a week (working in the restaurant industry, a lot my friends/co-workers go out most nights after work). This thought EXHAUSTS me. I cannot IMAGINE wanting to do such a thing. My couch would miss me so much! If I go out 2 nights in one week, I feel like an out of control rockstar, or like someone who should be on/will probably end up on Intervention.

4.) I watch Sister Wives. I watch the shit out of it.

5.) I feel like I'm getting funny looks when I shop at Forever 21. And I probably am. Probably rightfully so.

6.) I spend a large amount of my disposable income on scented candles and fake lanterns.

7.) When I go into Pottery Barn or Williams Sonoma, I don't get suspicious looks from the clerks. In fact, I usually get sincere offers of help.

8.) When I see teenagers loitering, I want to scold them. Like, really want to.

9.) In fact, teenagers just annoy the living daylights out of me in general.

10.) I sometimes use the term "the living daylights".

11.) My favorite part of the day is when I wake up and drink coffee and eat grapefruit.

12.) I DRINK DECAF COFFEE. In fact, I try to avoid drinking caffeine past 7pm or so. If you see me drinking gratuitous amounts of caffeine past 7pm, you know Jessi's in for a wild night.

13.) When I DO have a wild night, or two drinks, I get hungover. I get hungover to the point that I don't want to drink for the rest of the week.

14.) My favorite format of drinking includes brunch.

15.) The thought of drinking Jagermeister literally makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry. I would rather drink turpentine blended with a homeless guy's urine. 

I'm just saying.

I'm sure I could come up with many, many more points that prove that I'm getting old, but it's past 1am. WHOA this old lady needs to get to bed!

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