So, I watched an old episode of The Office (I know that that shit should be italicized or quotation marked, fuck off) that TiVo suggested that I watch, and while that was just lovely, it just wasn't enough. Or maybe it depressed me to remember how good The Office USED to be, or how in love with John Krasinski I was, despite how stupid his hair used to look. This whole paragraph was ONE sentence.
Guy Motherfucking Fieri. I LOATHE this dude. I don't know if it's his FUCKING MIND-BLOWINGLY STUPID hair, his ambiguously-pronounced name, the fact that he frequently wears shirts with flames on them, his shitty restaurants that might as well be a goddamn Applebees, or just his terrible obnoxious personality. UGH, the sunglasses! And don't even get me started on this stupid show. Not only is the narration unbelievably annoying OH MY GOD I HE LITERALLY JUST PRONOUNCED "BAY LEAF" BAH-LEEFAY. As if that were the French pronunciation of the word. Uh...anyway, he's always correcting the damn business owners! He talks down to them like he's the king of every cuisine in the world and not some trashy Nascar enthusiast who swills Budweiser and oh my lord I just remembered he has a son named Harley. GOD!
So, I hate him a lot. But that caused me to realize...I hate about 75% of the people on the goddamn Food Network. And for some reason, I still legitimately enjoy watching it. I wouldn't even necessarily call myself a "foodie", though I certainly love the shit out of food. I don't even really cook very often. I bake, a LOT, but I don't even watch ANY of the million baking shows on TV, as I find them to be unwatchable. But anyway, I can't decide who bothers me more:
Please believe I could continue for days...I didn't even touch on Paula Deen and her ridiculous accent. I DO feel that I would be remiss if I didn't mention my undying adoration for Alton Brown, though. I could (and probably will) write an entire separate blog just about his adorable little face, his silly little characters, and the way that he not only teaches me HOW to cook, but WHY I need to do certain things, and the science behind all of that. I love you, Alton. I'm sorry that you have to share a network with all of these ridiculous tools.
I'm sorry that I sometimes write when I'm half-asleep, friends.