Sunday, August 12, 2012

Just why.

It's late, you guys. It's really late. There is no logical reason that I should be up, sober, at home, at this hour. But, since I'm home alone and 6 years old, I have decided that I need to watch something "cheerful" to prevent myself from...being murdered?

So, I watched an old episode of The Office (I know that that shit should be italicized or quotation marked, fuck off) that TiVo suggested that I watch, and while that was just lovely, it just wasn't enough. Or maybe it depressed me to remember how good The Office USED to be, or  how in love with John Krasinski I was, despite how stupid his hair used to look. This whole paragraph was ONE sentence.

Alright alright, I'm getting to my point. So anyway, I decided to watch something else, and ended up landing on motherfucking Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Why. Am I trying to amp up my killer instinct while I sleep? Have murderous night terrors?

Guy Motherfucking Fieri. I LOATHE this dude. I don't know if it's his FUCKING MIND-BLOWINGLY STUPID hair, his ambiguously-pronounced name, the fact that he frequently wears shirts with flames on them, his shitty restaurants that might as well be a goddamn Applebees, or just his terrible obnoxious personality. UGH, the sunglasses! And don't even get me started on this stupid show. Not only is the narration unbelievably annoying OH MY GOD I HE LITERALLY JUST PRONOUNCED "BAY LEAF" BAH-LEEFAY. As if that were the French pronunciation of the word. Uh...anyway, he's always correcting the damn business owners! He talks down to them like he's the king of every cuisine in the world and not some trashy Nascar enthusiast who swills Budweiser and oh my lord I just remembered he has a son named Harley. GOD!

So, I hate him a lot. But that caused me to realize...I hate about 75% of the people on the goddamn Food Network. And for some reason, I still legitimately enjoy watching it. I wouldn't even necessarily call myself a "foodie", though I certainly love the shit out of food. I don't even really cook very often. I bake, a LOT, but I don't even watch ANY of the million baking shows on TV, as I find them to be unwatchable. But anyway, I can't decide who bothers me more:

Sandra Lee. THIS bitch. Not only does she employ what I find to be the LAZIEST, most horrifying method ever ever EVER (Semi-homeade! Save 3 minutes by adding 500 preservatives and various food dyes to your childrens' food!), but she spends about 90% of the show concocting shitty cocktails and making elaborate table-scapes for every single meal she makes. The WHOLE POINT of the show is to SAVE TIME by using pre-made shit you can buy at the store, and then she turns around and spends 3 hours putting ribbon and silk flowers on the freaking table! And don't get me started on her Halloween episode, of which the entire purpose is for her to prance around in 30 different preposterous costumes. Christ.

Rachael Ray. Eat a dick, Rachael.

Giada De Laurentiis. It took me a while to really decide whether or not I hated her. Her personality doesn't really seem THAT awful, and she loves the shit out of chocolate. But I Cannot. Handle. Her fake Italian accent ONLY used on Italian words, and her big huge cheshire cat mouth weirds me out. Also she refuses to cook ANYTHING other than strictly Italian food. Get a hold of yourself, Giada. Nationalist.

Ina Garten, otherwise known as "The Barefoot Contessa". Okay, her recipes are LEGIT. But she calls herself THE BAREFOOT freaking CONTESSA. What the fuck? Also, she lives in the Hamptons, only shops in this pretentious little gourmet shops, only hangs out with gay men (and her husband Jeffrey, who is clearly also gay), and is constantly name-dropping famous people. Fuck you, Ina.

Please believe I could continue for days...I didn't even touch on Paula Deen and her ridiculous accent. I DO feel that I would be remiss if I didn't mention my undying adoration for Alton Brown, though. I could (and probably will) write an entire separate blog just about his adorable little face, his silly little characters, and the way that he not only teaches me HOW to cook, but WHY I need to do certain things, and the science behind all of that. I love you, Alton. I'm sorry that you have to share a network with all of these ridiculous tools.

I'm sorry that I sometimes write when I'm half-asleep, friends.

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