Thursday, September 13, 2012

An explanation of why I probably don't want to watch football with you.

It's football season.

I have such varied feelings on football season. Now, I'm not a huge sports person. I honestly just can't get into most sports, or at least I can't get into watching them on TV. I like to PLAY sports (not really) sometimes, I guess. I like to attend sporting events and drink and...drink. I can actually kind of get into baseball (go Phillies). But even with baseball, which is far and away my favorite sport to watch, I'm not going to be upset about missing a fact, I miss more games than I actually watch. I'm just not a huge sports fan.

But, football. Back to football, specifically. A large part of me WANTS to love it. It signifies the beginning of autumn. If you know me, you know I LOVES ME some autumn. I realize that most people love autumn, but I loved autumn before it was cool to love autumn. I'm an autumn hipster. Also, something about the sounds of a football game on the TV on a crisp autumn Sunday afternoon just makes me feel homey and want to cook up a big pot of chili and drink beer.


There are so, so many things about football season that I DETEST. And really, none of them have anything to do with the actual sport. Most of them have more to do with people being assholes. So, here we go. These are the reasons that I've decided that overall, I hate football:

  1. Football fans just take shit TOO SERIOUSLY. This definitely happens with other sports; I'm aware. But with football, it's just RAMPANT. You guys, IT'S A FUCKING GAME. Unless you're betting large amounts of money on it (which is a whole different issue entirely), the outcome of the game will not affect your life. I'm a snarky motherfucker. I don't want to be hanging out and drinking, and have to be terrified of speaking because some rabid fan is going to start screaming in my face, aggressively. That's not fun for me. 
  2. The whole thing people do where they associate themselves with their favorite team. You know, referring to their chosen team as "us" instead of "them". Bub, you are not part of the team. You're just not. Just stop. Which ties in with...
  3. Even the least educated fans yelling at the players on the television as though they know more than the fucking people who are being paid MILLIONS OF DOLLARS to do what they're doing. You're not on the damn field. Until you're able to do whatever the fuck you're yelling at the players for, SHUT UP. 
  4. Also, I understand that a lot of these athletes are able to do FUCKING AMAZING things with their bodies. But you guys, they're being paid more than people that operate on our brains. Think about that. What the shit? THEY'RE BEING PAID MORE THAN THE PRESIDENT OF THE COUNTRY. A LOT more. 
  5. Fantasy football.
  6. People CONSTANTLY TALKING about fantasy football, and not talking about ANYTHING ELSE, EVER.
  7. Going to a baseball game is a lot of fun. Going to a football game is (generally) FREEZING COLD

So, those are the major reasons that I've decided that football is more annoying than enjoyable. If you want to hang out and have a good time and watch some games, that's cool. I'm in. I'm even down with some playful shit talking. But once you start taking things WAY too seriously and punching walls and screaming at the TV, I'll be...elsewhere. I don't know. I'm not really on my writing game today guys, sorry.

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