Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Weight loss tips for the new year!

Happy new year everyone!

I know that A LOT of you probably have made the resolution to lose weight in the next year. Or "eat better" or "tighten that ass up" or "be healthy" or what the eff ever. So, being as wonderful and helpful as I am, I have decided to give you some of MY personal weight loss tips. So, without further ado:

Jessi's Weight Loss and Diet Tips!!!!!!!

  1. If you don't like it, it doesn't count.  Sometimes I'll start eating something, and even though I don't HATE it, it's just not really my cup of tea. If this happens to you, just go ahead and continue eating it. In fact, you might as well just finish it. Calories from food that you're not enjoying don't count, and therefore will not cause you to gain weight.
  2. Homemade food is ALWAYS healthy, and therefore practically calorie free. So, you've decided that instead of going out and eating a decadent, calorie-dense meal, you're going to cook a healthy meal at home.  However, somehow along the way you purchased all of the ingredients for gigantic steak burritos with a shitload of guacamole, sour cream, and refried beans, and have decided to make humongous homemade margaritas and fried ice cream. Not to worry! When you cook something yourself, it ALWAYS has less calories than whatever you would have ordered at any restaurant, and you may therefore eat, like, FOUR burritos and drink an entire pitcher of those margaritas! You probably burned off more calories cooking than you ate, anyway. You go, girl!
  3. When you're drunk, the calories that you consume don't really exist. If you can't remember eating it, you didn't!
  4. Also, calories from alcohol aren't real calories. Really, what harm could a bottle or two of wine cause? It's just grapes! Don't kid yourself, though: don't order frozen, blended drinks. I mean, c'mon. Fattie.
  5. Calories from small pieces of things don't count. Say you're eating some cookies. Bad, right? WRONG! Just break those babies apart, and graze on them throughout the day! Broken cookies are practically diet food! Because they contain NO CALORIES! You can eat about eight cookies in total, but as long as they were broken you have NO IDEA how many cookies you've consumed, and therefore will see NO ill effects! This also works with eating a few chips at a time, or pretzels, or bites of ice cream...just don't even THINK about sitting down with a WHOLE BOWL. Don't be disgusting.
  6. If you go to the gym and then immediately leave, it counts. Forgot your earbuds? Gym's too busy? You think that guy lifting weights looks suspicious and will probably murder you? No problem! Girl, you made it to the gym, and that's what counts. Go take a nap, you deserve it!
  7. Coffee creamer doesn't add up throughout the day. Uh, the caffeine cancels it out. Duh.
  8. Running one mile a day, twice a week makes you A RUNNER. Even if you walk 3/4 of the mile. And runners are hot! Congratulations, hottie!

There you go! I hope my tips were helpful and inspiring. Don't give up, 2013 is your year to shine! 


  1. Shit, I lost 5 pounds just READING these tips.

  2. I hope you had a nice little snack while reading, because guess what? Calories consumed while pursuing intellectual endeavors (such as reading my brilliant advice) DON'T COUNT! You go, girl!