Thursday, July 12, 2012

"Mom, that weirdo's looking at me again!"

Today I'd like to talk about pool etiquette.

This summer, I've been hanging out by the pool a lot, often by myself. It's very relaxing, and it's nice to have time to myself to just read a trashy magazine and listen to some tunes while soaking up the sun. Unfortunately, "my" pool is actually a shared pool with the rest of my apartment community.

Now, you probably think that I'm going to complain about the fat, trashy moms that hang out by the pool with their greasy fingered children, KIND of watching them splashing around and potentially drowning each other, occasionally yelling "JESUS Harley, cut it out or you won't get no more chips!" (Sidenote: Harley is a brand name for a large, loud, obnoxious motorcycle. It is not a name. It is ESPECIALLY not a name for a girl. Get your shit together.) And you wouldn't be far off track. That would be very much like me.

That's not what this is about, friends. My predicament has nothing to do with the quality of the company at my neighborhood pool. It has to do with my crushing social awkwardness. You see, every so often I get HOT laying by the pool, so I decide to take a dip. As you do. My conundrum is, once I'm in the pool...WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?!

You'd think that the answer would be simple. "Swim, moron! You're in a pool. Swim!"

It's not that easy!

When you're by yourself in a relatively crowded pool, it's difficult. You can't swim laps, because that shit is too crowded. Plus, if you're the only person swimming laps in a non-athletically oriented pool, you're gonna look like an asshole. What the hell else is there to do in a pool by yourself? There's no one to splash around with, or even to talk to. So, I usually just end up bobbing around awkwardly for several minutes, before retreating in defeat. I usually end up people watching (and MAN is my pool THE PLACE for people watching, let me tell you), but when you're in a pool, people watching is just another name for "creepily looking at people". My neighbors probably think I'm retarded, or a serial killer.

Sometimes I try to make up for it by talking on the phone when I get back to my chair. However, that probably backfires on me, as I'm usually (always) doing so with my ear buds in, and therefore appear to be talking to nobody.

Maybe I'll get a bluetooth and talk on the phone IN the pool. That way I'll look REALLY insane, and like an asshole at the same time! If I'm going to be awkward, I might as well really embrace the whole situation.

Or I could just buy a house with a pool. Sounds like a plan to me!

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