Thursday, January 17, 2013

How to make your boyfriend hate you.

I'm going to give you some fashion tips. Why? Did anyone ask me for fashion tips? Am I particularly fashionable? Can I even pull half of the styles that I enjoy off? Perhaps the answer to all of these questions is a resounding "NO."...but this is MY BLOG, god damnit, and I will do as I please.

 As you may recall, a couple of posts ago I did a list of weight loss tips. The whole post was clearly a (ridiculous) joke. I assure you, nothing I'm about to say is a joke, though I'm sure some of it will most certainly sound ridiculous.

DISCLAIMER: I've reached a point in my life in which I no longer dress/style myself to catch the attention of men/sexual conquests. At this point in my life, my fashion goal is to make other bitches want to be me. Am I successful most of the time? Hell no. But that's the goal that I have in mind while dressing myself. I understand that this is not the MO of everyone, and that's fine. If you're looking to pick up a fly honey, probably do the exact OPPOSITE of everything I suggest. What dudes like to see on girls is NOT the same thing as what girls will envy/want to emulate. I'll go more into this later. Here we go.

Jessi's Style Tips!!!!

  1. Want to look skinny? Squash those titties down, girl! Lots of women like to put emphasis on their breasts. They push them up, they squoosh them together, they pad them, they wear low-cut things to show them off.  Not this girl. My chest is not particularly large to begin with, but I like to go a step further and flatten it as much a humanly possible, so as to look like an 11 year old boy. Most of the clothes I buy look better on a boobless woman (in my opinion, anyway). My favorite way to achieve this look is with an bandeau bra. They come in endless cute colors/patterns, and they work as an accessory as WELL as a way to contain your ladies. You can wear them under sheer tops, and if you're wearing something low-cut and your bandeau shows a little bit, it just looks like a cami.
  2. Keep your boyfriend in mind, and then pick the exact opposite of whatever he would like. When shopping, I ask myself, "Would Jeffrey think that this is hideous?" If the answer is yes, I buy it. I recently bought a chambray shirt, and the first time I wore it he told me I looked like a barrel racer (or something to that effect). One time I told him that he should tell me I'm hot more often, and he replied with "You should stop dressing like a homeless person." (this was all in fun; we were laughing.) I don't mind that Jeff hates the way I dress. I know that he loves me regardless, and he still thinks I look smokin' hot no matter what I wear. Now, that's not to say that I think that there's anything wrong with dressing to impress your fella every once in a while. I use this as a general rule, but every now and then I'll pick an outfit because I know Jeff will love it (he loves outfits that make me "look like an elf". The fuck. That's my guy.) Also, Jeff is not a PARTICULARLY fashionable, or certainly not trendy, guy. If your guy has a great fashion sense that meshes well with yours, by all means take his advice.
  3. Embrace messy hair. I know that this quote is getting thrown all over the place these days, but it's true. I get WAY more complements on my hair when it's unwashed and gross and I've literally just thrown it up to get it out of my face then when I actually "do" it. Messy, free-spirited hair is very "in" right now, but it also requires no effort or concern. You don't have to worry about re-doing it halfway through the day or going outside and having it blown out of place, because it's already messy and it'll just get better throughout the day. Awesome, right?
  4. Pair classic and simple with trendy. You don't want to walk around looking like an Urban Outfitters threw up on you. Take one trendy, patterned piece and pair it with something simple and boring. Or, if you're the type of person that can pull it off, layer a bunch of crazy patterns together, but I'm certainly not such a person (and most people aren't). Just whatever you do, don't get matchy. 
  5. Accessorize your shit. I've learned that this is important, because I DON'T accessorize properly. I tend to wear a lot of boring, slouchy neutrals, and without proper accessories, I really DO just look like a homeless person. I've been getting more into layering costume-y type jewelry, and I recently got a great gold boyfriend watch as a birthday gift from Jeff. I've always been big into scarves. I think I'm going to try to get into hats a little bit more. It really makes a huge difference.
  6. Follow your own style. For example, I don't care HOW fashionable it might be; I will NEVER wear leopard/cheetah print ANYTHING. I don't like peplum. Don't follow trends just because other people are. If you're wearing something that clearly doesn't suit your personal style/personality, you'll look uncomfortable and dumb. Also, if you start following every trend possible you'll risk looking like a high school student instead of a put-together adult. Wear what you like and pass on the rest.
  7. Don't be a dumb skank. Or, in other words, dress for your occasion. Nothing annoys me more than when girls show up to dive bars in sequined, crotch grazing, sausage tight dresses and stilettos. Or when housewives show up to a casual restaurant bar in attire meant for the club (which they probably shouldn't be going to anyway). Or HEELS in the GYM!? Bitch, please. Seriously. I know that I said that I'm not trying to impress guys, but even if you are, when you dress COMPLETELY inappropriately for your age/venue, you just look desperate and comical. You are NEVER going to come out looking sexy or on your game by dressing like a whore in church. I'm just saying. Though not as offensive (in my opinion), this also applies to wearing workout gear to a relatively nice dinner or pajamas to the mall. Just dress like a functioning  member of society. It's not difficult.
  8. Tell me to shut up, because I probably have no idea what I'm talking about, and have no right to be advising anyone on what to wear.

So, there you have it. If all else fails, just buy a forever lazy and wear that bitch everywhere. You'll look like an insane person, but dammit if you're not the comfiest person in the room.

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