SMDH (is an example of what NOT to say, and also what I am doing)

Middle-aged people and social networking/texting/other internetly things.



This is an issue that has had me boggled for quite some time now. How parents/older relatives/coworkers...anyone of a certain age can be perfectly intelligent and composed people, and then they get on Facebook and lose ALL MANNER of grammar/spelling/punctuation/decorum. What is going on! These people are OLDER than me, they should be MORE likely to use correct syntax. Right?! These are the people, theoretically, who TAUGHT me how to use the English language. For some time, I was more than a little concerned that this was my future - once you reach the age of, I don't know, say 36? You completely forget everything you ever knew about corresponding properly, and suddenly find it acceptable to abbreviate three letter words. Clearly it's already happening to me. Do you SEE the number of commas I use? Holy moses.



And then, tonight, it hit me.



Someone on my Facebook posted a status about being taught to use Instagram by a 22 year old (Shoutout to that person! I don't remember who you are. Nor do I have any idea if you are actually older than me. If you're reading this, I'm not talking smack on you. In fact, I'm thanking you, because you brought me to this realization. Don't yell at me, I'm sensitive.). YOU GUYS! You're having people who are WAY TOO YOUNG teach you how to internet! Don't have your teenage niece teach you how to use Twitter! You're gonna be hashtagging every word and tweeting about what you ate for breakfast in no time! Don't have your 12 year old son teach you what to write on Facebook, no one REALLY wants the answer to the (non) question "TRUTH IS?". FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don't EVER say "lol" un-ironically. It's not 2003. And probably don't do it ironically either, you're too old for that shit.



I'd say, to be safe, have someone over the age of 25 and under the age of 40 teach you how to properly behave on social networking sites. And when in doubt, just pretend you're talking to a friend on the phone, and type out that conversation using proper English and full words. You don't have to be overly formal, but you DO need to punctuate your sentences. And dear, DEAR lord, please do not EVER take a picture of yourself standing in front of a mirror. PLEASE.



Love you mom!

Oh god, I don't know how to be a person.

Oh okay, so here's a thing: how do you be assertive and clear to people without sounding like a dick? I should know how to do this, absolutely, because I am in the service industry, and have been for a long time. This should be a thing that I am good at. But I just don't know how to do it. Okay, so an example of what I'm talking about is such: I am about to order dinner for delivery from Seasons. I prefer to order it online, because ordering online allows me to customize the order so that they have everything I want already written down, all the work done by me, and I don't have to give a long-winded order to some poor apathetic person on the phone. I frequently get a chicken cheesesteak wrap with grilled onions, mushrooms, green peppers, american cheese, and salt and pepper. And I like it to be toasted. That might sound kind of long-winded, but that's not the problem. They've gotten that right several times. The kicker is that I like my chicken cheesesteak wrap WITHOUT the chicken. So basically just veggies and cheese in a wrap. So I include a note that says "No chicken, please! Just veggies and cheese." They've done this successfully several times (I eat Seasons a lot). Once or twice, they called me and were like "So...no chicken? Just...veggies and cheese?" and I'm like "Yep!" and then they're like "uh.....but...well...okay." and then it's fine, and I enjoy my delicious food some 45 minutes later. I don't think I'm being super unreasonable; I'm even willing to PAY for the chicken I'm not eating. Now, for some reason, recently they've been having trouble with this order. First, they sent me exactly what I ordered, except they left the chicken on the wrap. Which is okay, because I'm not a vegetarian; I just prefer my wrap sans chicken. It's less greasy, and more...tastefully(?) pleasing to me that way. So whatever, I ate it and the next time I ordered, I was shouty about the chicken ("NO CHICKEN, please. JUST VEGGIES AND CHEESE"). Still polite, just a little larger text. So instead of just leaving the chicken off my wrap, they created their own invention. I'm assuming they thought that I was a vegetarian, and thought that I was under the impression that all I could get was what I ordered, so decided to give me a chef's tasting menu veggie wrap creation. They threw broccoli on that bitch, and sweet peppers (which I HATE), and instead of american cheese, gave me mozzarella. It definitely wasn't someone else's order or something, because that's not anything remotely similar to anything on the menu. It was definitely them thinking that I couldn't possibly actually WANT what I ordered, and that what they put together would taste WAY better. I'm not a dick, so I picked the sweet peppers off and ate it without complaint. But now I want to order again, and I want to make sure that there isn't a repeat of last time. So my question is this: how do I do this without being a dick? Do I call and order my obnoxious and complex order over the phone, and make some person take all that information down? Do I order online and then call and verify that I want EXACTLY what I ordered? Because if someone called ME to confirm they want EXACTLY what they order, I would definitely roll my eyes, hang up, and yell "DICK!!!" Am I just a dick in general for having such a high-maintenance (?) order to begin with? OR. Maybe I'm just a freak for worrying so much about this altogether. It's not like my minor annoyingness is going to ruin somebody's day. I'm not yelling at anyone, or even copping a 'tude. I'm extremely polite about it either way, and I tip generously. So, who cares I guess. Except I still DO care. Maybe I should just be medicated. SIGH.

"Mom, that weirdo's looking at me again!"

Today I'd like to talk about pool etiquette.



This summer, I've been hanging out by the pool a lot, often by myself. It's very relaxing, and it's nice to have time to myself to just read a trashy magazine and listen to some tunes while soaking up the sun. Unfortunately, "my" pool is actually a shared pool with the rest of my apartment community.



Now, you probably think that I'm going to complain about the fat, trashy moms that hang out by the pool with their greasy fingered children, KIND of watching them splashing around and potentially drowning each other, occasionally yelling "JESUS Harley, cut it out or you won't get no more chips!" (Sidenote: Harley is a brand name for a large, loud, obnoxious motorcycle. It is not a name. It is ESPECIALLY not a name for a girl. Get your shit together.) And you wouldn't be far off track. That would be very much like me.




That's not what this is about, friends. My predicament has nothing to do with the quality of the company at my neighborhood pool. It has to do with my crushing social awkwardness. You see, every so often I get HOT laying by the pool, so I decide to take a dip. As you do. My conundrum is, once I'm in the pool...WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?!



You'd think that the answer would be simple. "Swim, moron! You're in a pool. Swim!"

It's not that easy!


When you're by yourself in a relatively crowded pool, it's difficult. You can't swim laps, because that shit is too crowded. Plus, if you're the only person swimming laps in a non-athletically oriented pool, you're gonna look like an asshole. What the hell else is there to do in a pool by yourself? There's no one to splash around with, or even to talk to. So, I usually just end up bobbing around awkwardly for several minutes, before retreating in defeat. I usually end up people watching (and MAN is my pool THE PLACE for people watching, let me tell you), but when you're in a pool, people watching is just another name for "creepily looking at people". My neighbors probably think I'm retarded, or a serial killer.



Sometimes I try to make up for it by talking on the phone when I get back to my chair. However, that probably backfires on me, as I'm usually (always) doing so with my ear buds in, and therefore appear to be talking to nobody.



Maybe I'll get a bluetooth and talk on the phone IN the pool. That way I'll look REALLY insane, and like an asshole at the same time! If I'm going to be awkward, I might as well really embrace the whole situation.



Or I could just buy a house with a pool. Sounds like a plan to me!

Social Networking is Getting Out of Control.

For real, yo.

I was kind of slow getting into the whole Social Networking game. I didn't get Myspace until that mess was almost over, and then I didn't get Facebook until, like, 2007. I never had Friendster. I just started really getting into Twitter this year, and now I'm also consumed by Instagram and Pinterest, not to even mention music networking clients I mess with.

What the shit is going on?

When I have something I want to say, or to share with "the masses", I seriously have to pause to consider what forum I want to employ. What? That is bonkers. This should not be a problem people have. I remember back in the day (you can't see me, but I'm waving my cane at you) when, if you wanted to say something, you said it. Vocally. And whoever was in earshot heard you. And perhaps, if you were to just blurt out statements or observations, as is routine in present day, they would think you were out of your damn mind. And you probably were, because only journalists and stand-up comedians did such things.


I honestly can't accurately remember life before this onslaught of technology. I am WAY too awkward to just get to know people organically. I'll be the first to admit that I Facebook stalk the holy Hell out of pretty much everyone I meet. Is that creepy? I'd say yes, but I'm fairly confident that most people do the same, even if they're not as open about it.


Or maybe I'm creepy.


But anyway, I'm really not sure if my awkwardness is just because I was an only child, psychology bok bok bok, or if it's a product of too much access to everything online. Maybe I've actually LOST whatever social graces I was brought up to have, because they're now basically obsolete. 


All I know is that you guys get to see 15 million pictures of my dog in multiple forums, and I feel that I have enriched your lives by providing the opportunity for you to view Mr. Macgruber Strongbad Raum, like, looking at me, not once, not twice, but SEVERAL different times, in succession. You're welcome.


Don't thank me, thank The Internets.