A Secret

I have a confession. Do you remember that episode of Saved by the Bell where the gang goes into business selling (I think it was) Screech's great grandmother or whatever's famous spaghetti sauce? They make tons and tons of it and shoot a commercial and these kids are in high school, what on Earth? Anyway, it turns out that Screech's whatever relative it was actually stole the recipe from some big spaghetti sauce corporation, and they swoop in and hilarity ensues. 

Well, ever since I saw that episode of Saved by the Bell when I was probably 8 years old, I've lived in absolute terror of inadvertently stealing some big company's recipe for something and attempting to sell it, and then getting sued - or worse! - thrown in jail. I don't know where on Earth this fear came from, seeing as I had zero plans to sell any edible product until at least early high school, and I have absolutely no clue why is persists as I'm a (relatively) logical adult, but to this very day, I'm petrified of accidentally stealing "secret recipes".  It's more of a subconscious thing now, but it's still there. I was a batshit paranoid neurotic law abiding child, and now I'm a batshit paranoid neurotic (imaginary) law abiding adult. 

Cool, huh?

More Like Trader...GO Home You're Giving Me An Anxiety Attack.

'Tis the season for people to act like total assholes.

LOL I'M KIDDING. No, that's a lie. This is going to be a discussion about Trader Joe's. And it's not going to be the kind of Trader Joe's discussion in which I wax poetic about how amazing their Turbinado Sugar Sea Salt Dark Chocolate Almonds are or how I could spend six hours straight in their cheese section (but they are! And I could! That post will undoubtedly come someday, but not today.) This is going to be a discussion about how I can only go to Trader Joe's maybe once a month, lest my blood pressure skyrocket and I end up hospitalized.

LOOK AT THIS.

What is the deal with people in Trader Joe's? Wait. Let's back up. Let's start in the Trader Joe's parking lot, because that's a situation that probably deserves its own article. But it's going in this one. I swear to god there is some kind of a substance - a gas, perhaps? Being pumped directly into the parking lot, which causes people to act like absolutely vacant jagoffs from the time they arrive in the parking lot, continuing for the duration of the time they're in the store, until they're several miles outside of the vicinity. Parking lots are bad enough during the holiday season - I could write an entire BOOK about how much I hate parking lots - but there's something about a Trader Joe's parking lot that makes people completely incapable of looking anywhere, before they do anything, ever. These people will run over children. They'll run down the elderly. They don't care. They just want their cookie butter, and they don't want to walk more than 20 yards for it. I am one hundred percent honest when I tell you I will park in the furthest spot possible away from the store in negative 10 degree weather and sleet just to avoid dealing with these boneheads.

So then you go into the store. It's like the damn Lord of the Flies in there. No one has any regard whatsoever for the direction anyone else is going. They stop in the middle of nowhere. They'll park their carts smack in the middle of the cheese display and look at a brick of camembert for 20 minutes while you mentally jab their eyes out and throw them at their head. They'll dart across the store, cutting 20 people off and tripping over someone's two year old who's been inexplicably left in the middle of the floral section on the floor for a free sample of local fig and serrano pepper chutney on an artisanal cheese straw. AND THE AISLES! You go into a regular grocery store, and there's a clear direction laid out. One side of the aisle is up, the other side is down. Nooooo, not at Trader Joe's! Their aisles are about 1/8th of the width of a normal aisle, and it's a free for all! You better be either prepared to fist fight a path for yourself, or to wait 40 minutes at the end of the aisle until someone is done reading the label of every pasta sauce in the entire store (there are 300). Possibly the worst part of all of this is that you become a part of the problem by default. No matter what you do, you're going to get in someone's way or cut them off, because when everyone is doing it it's impossible not to. It's a vicious cycle. Every time I go into that store, I come out with at least 3 fresh gray hairs, and my next stop is always the liquor store (because my Trader Joe's doesn't even sell 2 Buck Chuck! Freaking Delaware.)

This is a picture I texted to my friend one day, because it was the only time I had been able to freely maneuver in this store. EVER. She responded with shock and jealousy.

 So, this is the way Trader Joe's is ALL of the time, and then during the holidays it's like this times 4500. But you HAVE to go! Because cheese! And those almonds! And CHEESE. I'm tellin' ya. White people problems, AMIRITE GUYS?

Ugh.

Say It's Not Her Fault?

WARNING: This post is not timely. And it's kind of unrelated to anything. Okay, you've been warned. Proceed at your own discretion.

Can we talk for a minute about that Robyn song "Call Your Girlfriend"? I have a random Spotify radio station playing as background music as I cook, and it just came on. And every time I hear this song, I have the same thought: I take issue with this. At first, it was like "Okay, I can kind of get down to this song." The next time I heard it, I listened a little more closely to the lyrics and was like "Lol, WTF?" And then I heard it a bunch more times, and each time I hear it the WTF factor goes up a little.

If you're unfamiliar with the lyrics, here's a link. Take a gander. I understand that music is a form of expression, and it's important that the artist feels free to not censor themselves, blah blah blah - no, I truly am one hundred percent behind that idea, don't get me wrong. But I take issue with the entire idea behind this song as person who's been cheated on - or, you know, as a person, in general. It's supposed to be a happy, romantic song about how this guy's finally found someone who truly GETS him, and they're going to run off together and be happy for the rest of their lives and make each other daisy crowns and roll in a field full of golden retriever puppies. Oh, but first he just has to let his girlfriend know he's leaving her for this other broad who he cheated on her with. No big deal, though! No hard feelings, his girlfriend didn't do anything wrong! He'll even still be her friend! She goes as far as to recommend explaining that it's just "so different when they kiss".

WHAT!!!

This is the most delusional nonsense I have ever heard. She's telling this guy to go give his current girlfriend this whole condescending speech about how it's not her, it's him, and SOMEDAY, SOMEONE will love her EVENTUALLY (maybe), but he still wants to be her friend! And meanwhile, the music is SO bright and optimistic that you have this whole scene in your head where you can't hear what's going on, but you can see the girl tearing up a little bit, but then she nods and gives the guy a big hug and a brave smile, and they go off their separate ways and everyone lives happily ever after. In fact, I haven't seen the video, but I would put a small amount of money on the storyline of the video playing out exactly like that. It's just so wrong. I hope that this song is supposed to be satirical or just a straight up joke, but I seriously doubt it.

"And you tell her that the only way her heart will mend/Is when she learns to love again/And it won't make sense right now but you're still her friend/And you let her down easy" Just, WHAT THE HELL!!

Weight loss tips for the new year!

Happy new year everyone!



I know that A LOT of you probably have made the resolution to lose weight in the next year. Or "eat better" or "tighten that ass up" or "be healthy" or what the eff ever. So, being as wonderful and helpful as I am, I have decided to give you some of MY personal weight loss tips. So, without further ado:

Jessi's Weight Loss and Diet Tips!!!!!!!

1. If you don't like it, it doesn't count.  Sometimes I'll start eating something, and even though I don't HATE it, it's just not really my cup of tea. If this happens to you, just go ahead and continue eating it. In fact, you might as well just finish it. Calories from food that you're not enjoying don't count, and therefore will not cause you to gain weight.
2. Homemade food is ALWAYS healthy, and therefore practically calorie free. So, you've decided that instead of going out and eating a decadent, calorie-dense meal, you're going to cook a healthy meal at home.  However, somehow along the way you purchased all of the ingredients for gigantic steak burritos with a shitload of guacamole, sour cream, and refried beans, and have decided to make humongous homemade margaritas and fried ice cream. Not to worry! When you cook something yourself, it ALWAYS has less calories than whatever you would have ordered at any restaurant, and you may therefore eat, like, FOUR burritos and drink an entire pitcher of those margaritas! You probably burned off more calories cooking than you ate, anyway. You go, girl!
3. When you're drunk, the calories that you consume don't really exist. If you can't remember eating it, you didn't!
4. Also, calories from alcohol aren't real calories. Really, what harm could a bottle or two of wine cause? It's just grapes! Don't kid yourself, though: don't order frozen, blended drinks. I mean, c'mon. Fattie.
5. Calories from small pieces of things don't count. Say you're eating some cookies. Bad, right? WRONG! Just break those babies apart, and graze on them throughout the day! Broken cookies are practically diet food! Because they contain NO CALORIES! You can eat about eight cookies in total, but as long as they were broken you have NO IDEA how many cookies you've consumed, and therefore will see NO ill effects! This also works with eating a few chips at a time, or pretzels, or bites of ice cream...just don't even THINK about sitting down with a WHOLE BOWL. Don't be disgusting.
6. If you go to the gym and then immediately leave, it counts. Forgot your earbuds? Gym's too busy? You think that guy lifting weights looks suspicious and will probably murder you? No problem! Girl, you made it to the gym, and that's what counts. Go take a nap, you deserve it!
7. Coffee creamer doesn't add up throughout the day. Uh, the caffeine cancels it out. Duh.
8. Running one mile a day, twice a week makes you A RUNNER. Even if you walk 3/4 of the mile. And runners are hot! Congratulations, hottie!

There you go! I hope my tips were helpful and inspiring. Don't give up, 2013 is your year to shine! 

How to Succeed by Being an Asshole.

Let's take a moment to talk about online dating, hmm?

I'm not really going to recommend online dating, or condemn it. It can be successful, but it can also be disastrous. It's not for everyone. I did meet Jeff (my wonderful fella, who I've been with for almost four years) online, but other than that, I don't have a whole lot of personal experience actually meeting anyone off the internet. What I WILL say, however, is that if you ARE going to try online dating, don't be embarrassed by it. I used to lie to people about how Jeff and I met, but really? Who cares? You're awesome, and if you meet someone else awesome, who cares how you met, or what people think? Plus, it's 2012. Everyone dates online these days. Get over it.

Moving on.

What I wanted to discuss is creating your "dating profile", or whatever. A few of my friends recently decided to give online dating a whirl, and everyone always seems to have a pretty tough time deciding what to say in their profile. Even though I'm in a happy, committed relationship, I still occasionally browse peoples' (not even necessarily just men) dating profiles. I think it's entertaining. Now, I certainly don't consider myself to be the most desirable woman on the planet. In fact, I'm pretty gross at times, and I'm blunt and kind of mean. Nor am I BY ANY MEANS the hottest piece of ass on such and such a website. However, as far as online dating goes, I (to this day) get a LOT of...interest? And a lot of it isn't just gross perverts with naked torso only profile pictures (there are a LOT of those) saying "hey hun, ur gorgeous...wanna hang out.?" (Though I get a lot of that, too.) I get a lot of witty messages from legit, attractive dudes.

I'm getting off track. My point is, the vast majority of profiles I come across are either 1.) Boring; 2.) Annoying; or 3.) Make the subject of the profile seem absolutely, mind-numbingly stupid. I am absolutely, 100% positive that the reason I have had ANY of the success I have had is because my profile is (or does) none of the above. How, you ask, did I create such a fascinating, captivating dating profile?

I'll answer that question.

I made shit up.

Seriously. My profile consists of a bunch of random, ridiculous information. When I originally made it, I wasn't really looking to meet anyone; I was bored and wanted to mess with people. My personal bio is a verbatim SNL sketch. I claim to be a garbageman who is a juggalo with a penchant for dog fighting. You may think that sounds really, really stupid. And you're right. It absolutely is. But guess what? Guys love that shit. How many girls do you know who can make a guy legitimately laugh? Not many. And in my opinion, the point of having a profile is to get noticed. You're not going to get noticed by talking about how much you love the beach and reading Nicholas Sparks novels. My profile shows that I'm smart enough to come up with something witty, and that I don't take myself too seriously, which makes me appear less annoying than about 75% of the female (or male) population. You can "connect" and give ACTUAL information about yourself later, when you're actually talking to the dude and have decided that HE'S interesting enough to talk to in the first place. My stupid profile is so successful, in fact, that I've gained a cult following on various nerdy websites after being front-paged (whatever that means) on Reddit a couple months ago. Check this shit out: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/rrnhk/okcupid_finally_found_me_a_match/

Anyway, you don't necessarily have to go all-out and make up outrageous lies to have a successful online dating profile. Just use your sense of humor. Be a little silly, or sarcastic. Don't take yourself so seriously. And definitely, DEFINITELY do not use stupid duck face pictures, angled shots, or (ESPECIALLY) teenager-y looking myspace mirror photos. You're better than that!

Yeah!