At Long Last...

I finally have an appointment tomorrow to get my hair cut. I always go way too long between haircuts, but this last time really takes the cake. I haven't done ANYTHING to my hair - no cut, no trim, no color - for over a year and a half. I honestly don't remember the last time I got a haircut. I think that it was March 2013, but I'm not really positive. I'm starting to feel like an old colonial woman who just lets my hair grow to my knees. I had, purposely, been growing my hair out for years; I haven't cut any significant length off for probably seven or eight years (yikes!), but this long stretch was unintentional. I usually at least get a trim a couple times a year, and color my hair at least once a year. Anyhoo, my hair looks so bad and damaged at this point, I'm not really even nervous. I usually get pretty anxious before getting my hair done, especially if I plan to cut length off, but I'm so due for something fresh that I'm just excited. I'm not going to do any color tomorrow; my hair is 100 percent its natural color at this point, so I'm not desperate, but I'll probably go back in for color next month or the month after.

I've been eyeing up the long bob for a while now. I think it'll go a long way towards making me look more put together and grown up (just in time to turn 30!), and I think it will feel very fresh (and so clean clean). Hopefully I'll be able to manage to pull off some beachy waves or the "perfectly messy" style I so long for, but we'll see. I am EXTREMELY hair-impaired. My hair is very fine and baby-soft, so it's difficult for any style to stay put, and my hair tends to just end up ACTUALLY messy. Not a good look. Still, I'm really excited to see how it turns out. Wish me luck!

How to make your boyfriend hate you.

I'm going to give you some fashion tips. Why? Did anyone ask me for fashion tips? Am I particularly fashionable? Can I even pull half of the styles that I enjoy off? Perhaps the answer to all of these questions is a resounding "NO."...but this is MY BLOG, god damnit, and I will do as I please.



 As you may recall, a couple of posts ago I did a list of weight loss tips. The whole post was clearly a (ridiculous) joke. I assure you, nothing I'm about to say is a joke, though I'm sure some of it will most certainly sound ridiculous.



DISCLAIMER: I've reached a point in my life in which I no longer dress/style myself to catch the attention of men/sexual conquests. At this point in my life, my fashion goal is to make other bitches want to be me. Am I successful most of the time? Hell no. But that's the goal that I have in mind while dressing myself. I understand that this is not the MO of everyone, and that's fine. If you're looking to pick up a fly honey, probably do the exact OPPOSITE of everything I suggest. What dudes like to see on girls is NOT the same thing as what girls will envy/want to emulate. I'll go more into this later. Here we go.

Jessi's Style Tips!!!!

1. Want to look skinny? Squash those titties down, girl! Lots of women like to put emphasis on their breasts. They push them up, they squoosh them together, they pad them, they wear low-cut things to show them off.  Not this girl. My chest is not particularly large to begin with, but I like to go a step further and flatten it as much a humanly possible, so as to look like an 11 year old boy. Most of the clothes I buy look better on a boobless woman (in my opinion, anyway). My favorite way to achieve this look is with an bandeau bra. They come in endless cute colors/patterns, and they work as an accessory as WELL as a way to contain your ladies. You can wear them under sheer tops, and if you're wearing something low-cut and your bandeau shows a little bit, it just looks like a cami.
2. Keep your boyfriend in mind, and then pick the exact opposite of whatever he would like. When shopping, I ask myself, "Would Jeffrey think that this is hideous?" If the answer is yes, I buy it. I recently bought a chambray shirt, and the first time I wore it he told me I looked like a barrel racer (or something to that effect). One time I told him that he should tell me I'm hot more often, and he replied with "You should stop dressing like a homeless person." (this was all in fun; we were laughing.) I don't mind that Jeff hates the way I dress. I know that he loves me regardless, and he still thinks I look smokin' hot no matter what I wear. Now, that's not to say that I think that there's anything wrong with dressing to impress your fella every once in a while. I use this as a general rule, but every now and then I'll pick an outfit because I know Jeff will love it (he loves outfits that make me "look like an elf". The fuck. That's my guy.) Also, Jeff is not a PARTICULARLY fashionable, or certainly not trendy, guy. If your guy has a great fashion sense that meshes well with yours, by all means take his advice.
3. Embrace messy hair. I know that this quote is getting thrown all over the place these days, but it's true. I get WAY more complements on my hair when it's unwashed and gross and I've literally just thrown it up to get it out of my face then when I actually "do" it. Messy, free-spirited hair is very "in" right now, but it also requires no effort or concern. You don't have to worry about re-doing it halfway through the day or going outside and having it blown out of place, because it's already messy and it'll just get better throughout the day. Awesome, right?
4. Pair classic and simple with trendy. You don't want to walk around looking like an Urban Outfitters threw up on you. Take one trendy, patterned piece and pair it with something simple and boring. Or, if you're the type of person that can pull it off, layer a bunch of crazy patterns together, but I'm certainly not such a person (and most people aren't). Just whatever you do, don't get matchy. 
5. Accessorize your shit. I've learned that this is important, because I DON'T accessorize properly. I tend to wear a lot of boring, slouchy neutrals, and without proper accessories, I really DO just look like a homeless person. I've been getting more into layering costume-y type jewelry, and I recently got a great gold boyfriend watch as a birthday gift from Jeff. I've always been big into scarves. I think I'm going to try to get into hats a little bit more. It really makes a huge difference.
6. Follow your own style. For example, I don't care HOW fashionable it might be; I will NEVER wear leopard/cheetah print ANYTHING. I don't like peplum. Don't follow trends just because other people are. If you're wearing something that clearly doesn't suit your personal style/personality, you'll look uncomfortable and dumb. Also, if you start following every trend possible you'll risk looking like a high school student instead of a put-together adult. Wear what you like and pass on the rest.
7. Don't be a dumb skank. Or, in other words, dress for your occasion. Nothing annoys me more than when girls show up to dive bars in sequined, crotch grazing, sausage tight dresses and stilettos. Or when housewives show up to a casual restaurant bar in attire meant for the club (which they probably shouldn't be going to anyway). Or HEELS in the GYM!? Bitch, please. Seriously. I know that I said that I'm not trying to impress guys, but even if you are, when you dress COMPLETELY inappropriately for your age/venue, you just look desperate and comical. You are NEVER going to come out looking sexy or on your game by dressing like a whore in church. I'm just saying. Though not as offensive (in my opinion), this also applies to wearing workout gear to a relatively nice dinner or pajamas to the mall. Just dress like a functioning  member of society. It's not difficult.
8. Tell me to shut up, because I probably have no idea what I'm talking about, and have no right to be advising anyone on what to wear.

So, there you have it. If all else fails, just buy a forever lazy and wear that bitch everywhere. You'll look like an insane person, but dammit if you're not the comfiest person in the room.

This is not about anything.

Some thoughts for the day (musings, if you will):



Will I go blind or some variation thereof (eyes falling out, etc) if I wear my contacts literally from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed every single day? I'm talking during naps, in the shower, in the pool, while drunk, while cutting onions...every minute. My optometrist recommended taking them out after work daily and wearing glasses to "let my eyes breathe", and also giving my eyes "a day off" frequently. I don't do this. I REALLY hate wearing my glasses. It's not an aesthetic thing, it's a comfort thing. I don't like it. They make the bridge of my nose sweat, and they make it difficult to lay down. I REALLY like to lay down. And I like being able to see things while laying down. Like, say, my TV. So. Oh, and also, I only switch out my contacts for new ones every three to six months. I'm supposed to do that every single month. I have not noticed any ill effect. I'm really just waiting to go totally blind one day out of the blue.



I love Adam Scott. No. I'm IN love with Adam Scott. Not, "I enjoy his work", or "I like the movies/shows he's in", or "I think he's cute". No. I'm in love with him. There's nothing that makes him INCREDIBLY appealing to me as an actor, though I do enjoy his acting offerings. He is everything that I look for in a man. Pretty boring looking, dark hair, skinny, dresses pretty boring, reminiscent of a hipster without actually being one. I have a very distinct aesthetic (that's today's word) taste in men, and it consists of a very specific type of blandness. I don't like my men to be super hot. Unless their name rhymes with myan schmosling. I am seriously way way way more attracted to boring looking dudes. So he's got that going for him. And then there's his personality. His sense of humor is as dry as it can get without being non-existent. He's sarcastic. He's boring and polite enough to appeal to the 85+ crowd. He seems quite intelligent, and a little pretentious, but not really outwardly so. He's nerdy, and his character on Parks and Rec loves superheroes and shit, so I just assume he does in real life as well. I'm into that. I assume his taste of music is something like "indie rock mixed with random obscure hardcore", which is my ideal "guy music type". He's the type of guy who, if I were to know him in real life, the majority of my girl friends would say "Really?? Ugh Jessi, your taste in guys is SO WEIRD.", which is generally what I aim for. Guys, I've clearly put a lot of thought into this. He's THE ONE.

Sidenote: There is apparently also an Adam Scott who is a golfer. That is not who I am talking about; however, it IS the guy who has a supermodel girlfriend, who I previously thought was the girlfriend of MY Adam Scott. Upon further investigation, I found that MY Adam Scott is actually married. So. There's that. It's okay, Hollywood marriages don't last. He'll be mine.



I'm not good at posting pictures on this here little blog. I don't really know how to do it other than in the most simplistic manner, and don't know how to change the size, or the placement, really, of my pictures. This could be alleviated with the smallest amount of research, of which I am not going to do.



I've been wearing a lot of dresses lately. A reasonable assumption would be that I'm doing so to appear nice, or possibly more feminine. Or that I'm trying to get noticed. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE attention. And I like to look pretty. However, the reason that I've been wearing dresses is because I am SO INCREDIBLY LAZY that it's almost unbelievable. The long and short of it is that a dress is ONE article of clothing that you slip over your head, and THEN YOU'RE DONE. No figuring out outfits, no putting on pants, no layering, no NOTHING. AND they keep you cool. AND I may have run out of every single reasonably clean article of casual summer clothing that I own for a period of  time. I might even wear THE SAME maxi dress I wore yesterday simply to get my eyebrows done today, even though I actually did laundry yesterday, just because it's sitting on top of my laundry basket.




Spotify has this feature that enables you to play a streaming radio station based on playlists that YOU'VE created. When I found this out, I was VERY jazzed...what a perfect way to find new music based on MY music taste from a SPECIFIC subset of songs and artists that I'VE created! I decided today, however, that I'd generally just rather listen to the damn playlist that I've so painstakingly created in the first place. Most of the songs that they play on the station that aren't already on my playlist are just rejects from my playlist that I didn't want to hear in the first place, and since I spend HOURS and HOURS tooling through the vast Spotify universe, I rarely find music that I wasn't aware of in the first place. So. Don't call me a control freak.



I'm tired of writing things that no one is ever going to read for the time being. Goodbye!