Can we not, PLEASE.

Heeeey. Hey hey. Still here. Just hanging out. And I have a (mildly) entertaining post to share, but first, I need to rant briefly.

I just read this article about fast food workers demanding to make $15 an hour, and I've had it up to here (picture me holding my hand up to my eyeballs) with these types of debates. Do fast food workers deserve $15 an hour? Maybe, maybe not. Probably not. However, I'm SO SICK of hearing the argument, "Do fast food workers think they deserve to make more than dental assistants?!! How about emergency medical technicians?!!!"

Hang on. Stop calling other people idiots for a second, and think about what you're saying.

Fast food workers don't think they deserve to make more than the people who arrive in ambulances and save your grandmother from having her remains eaten by her cat after falling in her hallway. Well, maybe some of them do. And they're wrong. But that's not what this argument is about.

The argument is about the fact that everybody deserves to be able to afford to live. And living has become very, very expensive. Nobody, no matter what their job involves doing, should have to work 40 hours a week and still worry about how they're going to keep their electricity from being shut off or how they're going to pay for their next meal. Just because fast food workers are saying that they deserve to make $15 an hour doesn't mean that they think dental assistants deserve to be making less than that. Nobody's saying that. At least nobody with half a brain. This is about wages needing to be raised in general, not about fast food workers thinking they deserve to make more than the guy suffering through your halitosis while scraping 6 months worth of grime off of your teeth.

I understand your point. I honestly do. If you raise EVERYONE'S wages, cost of living will just become higher, and it perpetuates a vicious cycle. I get that. Someone has to make the least amount of money. This isn't communist China. But maybe if you're trying to make a point, stop being an insulting asshole. Working in the fast food industry might not be an important job, per se, but neither is being a professional athlete or a fashion designer. And for the love of all that is holy, stop saying that fast food work is easy. Working in the fast food industry is among the most miserable, dirty, thankless jobs out there. It's awful. You're on your feet for hours and hours at a time, getting screamed at by the worst of the worst in society, scraping god knows what out of god knows where, you smell like fryer grease 100% of the time (and so does your house and your car, most likely), and you have to deal with constantly being looked down upon by people like the asshole that wrote that article and 80% of the people on my Facebook feed. All of the people complaining about fast food workers demanding a pay raise are the same people bitching that people on welfare need to go out and find a job (newsflash: the majority of people on government assistance HAVE jobs), and now that they have, you're demeaning them for the type of job they have and are saying that they need to find a BETTER job or quit bitching. That's pretty shitty and elitist, guys. And I'm a shitty, elitist person.

My first job was working at Burger King for 2 years, and it was pretty terrible. It's not just about twirling your hair around your finger and pushing buttons. My current job (where I make well over double what I made when working in fast food) is about 50 million times easier than working in fast food was, and honestly doesn't require that much more intelligence. And yeah, I was a hard worker, and there are shitty fast food workers who are lazy and don't give a damn about their jobs. But there are shitty workers in almost every industry, and the majority of people I worked with at Burger King were hard working people who were just trying to get by.

Listen, I'm the first to admit that I'm a bleeding heart liberal, and I'm not saying I necessarily agree with the fast food workers here. I'm just really, really tired of everyone being so terrible. I don't know when it became socially acceptable to just constantly spout hateful sentiment and completely uneducated opinions on social media, but that's basically all I see on Facebook these days, other than get-rich-quick scams and annoying self promotion. If you have an opinion, that's awesome. Definitely share it. But know what the fuck you're talking about first, and maybe try not to insult other people just for the sake of being a dick. People will take you way more seriously.

Tough Love

I've been taking a break from blogging (as you've probably noticed), but I've been noticing a pattern lately (or rather, again) of relentless negativity on social media, and I feel the need to address it. It's really...kind of upsetting. Sad. And unnecessary. And it's mostly with people around my age (I grudgingly give a little leniency towards younger people, as they have a tendency to be a tad dramatic), which I find to be alarming. By no means do you need to have your entire life figured out by 30 - or even have your shit together - but if you're still throwing your hands in the air and crying defeat over every little bump in the road by the end of your 20's, I'm afraid you're in for a tough life.

I refuse to believe that the number of people I'm acquainted with with truly terrible lives needs to be counted on more than one hand. I understand that shitty things happen, and sometimes you'll come across shitty people. But dudes, we're grownups. You learn from these things and move on. If every person you encounter is letting you down, then you need to start encountering different kinds of people. If every job you've had turns out in some kind of a disaster, it's not the job that's the problem.

Look, I'm not trying to be some kind of Mary Poppins motivational speaker nag. I'm just saying...okay, maybe I am. You want a better life? Quit your bitching. Do something about it. Change things. You're not helpless, or powerless. Don't just let things happen to you. You want good luck? You have to make good luck happen.

I'm always talking about how lucky I've been. And it's true, I've had several fortunate things happen to me. But you know what? I would absolutely not be where I am today if I went through life with a shitty "whoa is me" attitude. Several years ago, my life was kind of a bummer. I was broke, I was lonely, I was physically in a place I didn't want to be. And I know that if everything seems like a mess, it can be hard to get out of that hopeless state of mind. But listen to me. YOU HAVE TO. You just have to. Because no one wants to help someone who won't help themselves. No one wants to be around someone who's just going to complain about how the world is plotting against them all day. Grow up. Get rid of the losers in your life. Don't BE one of the losers yourself. And don't just talk about it on Facebook (actually, scrap the 'just'.) Get rid of them, get rid of their friends, get rid of anyone like them. Find new friends. Find a new love interest. Or actually, don't. Learn how to be self sufficient, and then maybe think about letting someone in. And sorry, but if your family is bringing you down? Distance yourself from them. This is your life. You're in charge. Don't hang around negative people. They're bumming you out, and you're bumming everyone else out.

Stop blaming the economy and the government on everything. I'm bored with it. Empower yourself. Be responsible. Stop calling out of work. Have a good attitude and work hard, and you'll be successful. That's it. People suck these days. Responsibility and good attitude is a shockingly precious commodity. Don't have a job where you can advance? Go work somewhere else that you can. Can't get a job? Why can't you get a job? Fix whatever's causing that. Go back to school, or don't. I'm a firm believer that if you work hard you can make a very reasonable living without a college education, but by all means if you feel that getting a degree will help you, go for it. Take advantage if your workplace offers tuition reimbursement.

You hate where you live? You have no opportunity there? Move. Oh, you have family? That's cool, they'll still be your family if you move. Don't whine about where you live if you're not willing to do anything about it. Where you live is literally 100% in your control.

Men/women suck? Um, yeah. People are the worst. Be celibate. No? That's silly? Okay, stop dating assholes. Everyone you date is alike? Lucky you! You get to choose who you spend your time with. You're not 20 anymore. Don't be an idiot. If you break up with someone every other week, don't marry them. Why would you marry someone you clearly can't maintain a relationship with? That's literally what marriage is. Maintaining a relationship. FOR LIFE! If you can't stay with someone for more than six months straight, why on earth do you think a shitty ring will cause you to do so? It won't. Don't have a child with someone you don't even like as a person, and then expect this person to be a good parent. That makes no sense. Stop it. And then when you do it, stop complaining about it. You knew this was going to happen.

Finally, stop airing your dirty laundry on Facebook. WE ARE ADULTS NOW. Adults! What good is going to come of announcing every bad thing that happens in your life to casual acquaintances? No one is going to take you seriously. People seriously do use social media to screen job applicants now. That's a well known fact. If you sound like a whiny teenager, no one is going to hire you. Quality people aren't going to want to associate with you. You're adding to what is apparently already not working. Cut it out. Believe me, I know that writing things down helps when you're upset. Start a blog. That way only people that want to read it will, and maybe you'll actually get some constructive feedback. Or hey. Be old school and write in a journal (if you can do that...personally, my hand cramps up after about 5 words these days). Open a word doc and write in that. Whatever! Just don't use Social Media. You know better, I know you do.

Please rest assured that this is not directed at any specific person. I just read about the 40th sad sack Facebook post in the past week and just about lost my mind. This is also not at all why I've been taking a blogging break...though QUITE annoying, this isn't anything that I'm normally extremely preoccupied with. And I know I got a little rant-y there, but my original intention was to just say...hey. It doesn't have to be so hard. Life is legitimately wonderful. Stop lamenting the negative and take a minute to appreciate the positive. If you enjoy the good things you have, life is a pleasure. If you dwell on the things you wish were different and don't even attempt to change them, life is a huge drag. Don't waste your time. Quit being a martyr. Why? I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to be happy. It's flabbergasting to me.

Love you guys, for real! Pretend this post is coming from Grooby. You can't be mad at that face! I mean, come on.

Can We Chill With the Sarcasm?

I'm so sarcastic that nobody knows when I'm being serious. I've actually been asked, several times, if I was being serious, when I thought that it was wildly clear that I was being sarcastic. Normally if something like this were to happen, I'd assume that the person I was speaking to was a simpleton. However, I'm so frequently sarcastic that I don't even know if I'm being serious on occasion.

This is getting a little out of hand. And it's not just me. The other day I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, and someone on my friend list had responded to someone's (this person was not on my friend list, and I don't know them) post about getting into a car accident. Now, personally, the only reason that I would mention being in a car accident on Facebook is if I wanted to keep my family informed about it for some reason, but even then probably not, because I'd probably just have contacted them by some other means. But regardless, this person had said something to the effect of, "Just got T-boned and totaled my car...not what I planned on doing when I woke up this morning!! :(" For some reason, that statement really rubbed me the wrong way. Good lord! Why is it necessary to be snarky about a major car accident in which people could have been seriously hurt? But when I thought about it, it definitely isn't outside of the realm of possibility that I, too, would be snarky in a similar situation.

The world today is dramatically different than it was when I was growing up. Because every thought that goes through a person's mind can be (and usually is) displayed publicly and everything that everyone posts (well, most everyone) is edited carefully and thought through ten times over, there's this huge pressure to be on all the time. No matter what we're saying, everything needs to be either entertaining, clever, or ridiculously poignant, lest you be mocked (at least in your own mind) by everyone you know. One of the easiest defense mechanisms to neutralize pretty much anything that you have to say is sarcasm. By injecting a little sarcasm, you can make whatever you're saying seem nonchalant and witty. But being snarky and sarcastic has become so commonplace that it's invalidating actual conversation, and it's starting to make everything we say meaningless. There's a time and a place for sarcasm and certainly for snark, but let's reel it in a bit.

Here's an idea. If we're about to say something and fear that it's too boring, let's not say it. 80% of the crap we say online doesn't need to be said. Honestly, unless you're a master of the sarcastic arts, making your boring statement sarcastic isn't going to make it less boring. And if we're nervous that saying something straightforward is going to bring about judgement, let's grow a pair and just say it. And please understand, I'm not trying to be condescending with my use of 'let's' - like I said, I'm probably more guilty of this stuff than anyone else. Let's bring back real conversation and make actually powerful statements. Let's redeem our generation.

More Like Trader...GO Home You're Giving Me An Anxiety Attack.

'Tis the season for people to act like total assholes.

LOL I'M KIDDING. No, that's a lie. This is going to be a discussion about Trader Joe's. And it's not going to be the kind of Trader Joe's discussion in which I wax poetic about how amazing their Turbinado Sugar Sea Salt Dark Chocolate Almonds are or how I could spend six hours straight in their cheese section (but they are! And I could! That post will undoubtedly come someday, but not today.) This is going to be a discussion about how I can only go to Trader Joe's maybe once a month, lest my blood pressure skyrocket and I end up hospitalized.

LOOK AT THIS.

What is the deal with people in Trader Joe's? Wait. Let's back up. Let's start in the Trader Joe's parking lot, because that's a situation that probably deserves its own article. But it's going in this one. I swear to god there is some kind of a substance - a gas, perhaps? Being pumped directly into the parking lot, which causes people to act like absolutely vacant jagoffs from the time they arrive in the parking lot, continuing for the duration of the time they're in the store, until they're several miles outside of the vicinity. Parking lots are bad enough during the holiday season - I could write an entire BOOK about how much I hate parking lots - but there's something about a Trader Joe's parking lot that makes people completely incapable of looking anywhere, before they do anything, ever. These people will run over children. They'll run down the elderly. They don't care. They just want their cookie butter, and they don't want to walk more than 20 yards for it. I am one hundred percent honest when I tell you I will park in the furthest spot possible away from the store in negative 10 degree weather and sleet just to avoid dealing with these boneheads.

So then you go into the store. It's like the damn Lord of the Flies in there. No one has any regard whatsoever for the direction anyone else is going. They stop in the middle of nowhere. They'll park their carts smack in the middle of the cheese display and look at a brick of camembert for 20 minutes while you mentally jab their eyes out and throw them at their head. They'll dart across the store, cutting 20 people off and tripping over someone's two year old who's been inexplicably left in the middle of the floral section on the floor for a free sample of local fig and serrano pepper chutney on an artisanal cheese straw. AND THE AISLES! You go into a regular grocery store, and there's a clear direction laid out. One side of the aisle is up, the other side is down. Nooooo, not at Trader Joe's! Their aisles are about 1/8th of the width of a normal aisle, and it's a free for all! You better be either prepared to fist fight a path for yourself, or to wait 40 minutes at the end of the aisle until someone is done reading the label of every pasta sauce in the entire store (there are 300). Possibly the worst part of all of this is that you become a part of the problem by default. No matter what you do, you're going to get in someone's way or cut them off, because when everyone is doing it it's impossible not to. It's a vicious cycle. Every time I go into that store, I come out with at least 3 fresh gray hairs, and my next stop is always the liquor store (because my Trader Joe's doesn't even sell 2 Buck Chuck! Freaking Delaware.)

This is a picture I texted to my friend one day, because it was the only time I had been able to freely maneuver in this store. EVER. She responded with shock and jealousy.

 So, this is the way Trader Joe's is ALL of the time, and then during the holidays it's like this times 4500. But you HAVE to go! Because cheese! And those almonds! And CHEESE. I'm tellin' ya. White people problems, AMIRITE GUYS?

Ugh.

Say It's Not Her Fault?

WARNING: This post is not timely. And it's kind of unrelated to anything. Okay, you've been warned. Proceed at your own discretion.

Can we talk for a minute about that Robyn song "Call Your Girlfriend"? I have a random Spotify radio station playing as background music as I cook, and it just came on. And every time I hear this song, I have the same thought: I take issue with this. At first, it was like "Okay, I can kind of get down to this song." The next time I heard it, I listened a little more closely to the lyrics and was like "Lol, WTF?" And then I heard it a bunch more times, and each time I hear it the WTF factor goes up a little.

If you're unfamiliar with the lyrics, here's a link. Take a gander. I understand that music is a form of expression, and it's important that the artist feels free to not censor themselves, blah blah blah - no, I truly am one hundred percent behind that idea, don't get me wrong. But I take issue with the entire idea behind this song as person who's been cheated on - or, you know, as a person, in general. It's supposed to be a happy, romantic song about how this guy's finally found someone who truly GETS him, and they're going to run off together and be happy for the rest of their lives and make each other daisy crowns and roll in a field full of golden retriever puppies. Oh, but first he just has to let his girlfriend know he's leaving her for this other broad who he cheated on her with. No big deal, though! No hard feelings, his girlfriend didn't do anything wrong! He'll even still be her friend! She goes as far as to recommend explaining that it's just "so different when they kiss".

WHAT!!!

This is the most delusional nonsense I have ever heard. She's telling this guy to go give his current girlfriend this whole condescending speech about how it's not her, it's him, and SOMEDAY, SOMEONE will love her EVENTUALLY (maybe), but he still wants to be her friend! And meanwhile, the music is SO bright and optimistic that you have this whole scene in your head where you can't hear what's going on, but you can see the girl tearing up a little bit, but then she nods and gives the guy a big hug and a brave smile, and they go off their separate ways and everyone lives happily ever after. In fact, I haven't seen the video, but I would put a small amount of money on the storyline of the video playing out exactly like that. It's just so wrong. I hope that this song is supposed to be satirical or just a straight up joke, but I seriously doubt it.

"And you tell her that the only way her heart will mend/Is when she learns to love again/And it won't make sense right now but you're still her friend/And you let her down easy" Just, WHAT THE HELL!!

And she's back.

Uh oh, I feel a rant post coming on...


It's been too long, so here is a totally unsubstantiated and unwarranted list of things that have been pissing me off recently:

1. When people post about their run of the mill sickness on Facebook as though they're LITERALLY DYING. This seems to happen more now that a large percentage of my friend list has children. Their house will come down with a stomach bug, and then they're posting requests for prayers and incredibly grave statements that cause other (idiotic) people to voice their deep concern and pleas for more details. They clearly have the flu. Don't enable their theatrics. 
2. Since I mentioned it, let's move on to the Christian Revival of Facebook and Twitter 2014. Though I personally am not Christian, this is not an anti-Christian sentiment, but simply a plea to stop constantly asking for prayers on Facebook for EVERYTHING. Okay, if your grandma is dying, I get it. Ask for prayers. Whatever. (The issue of lamenting relatives' terminal illness on social media is a totally separate issue that I'm not going to get into.) But when you're applying for a job at Arby's? Not necessary. When you're potty training your cocker spaniel? No. First of all, if I legitimately would like to wish you well, not being of Christian persuasion, this makes me feel incredibly awkward. Do I offer my prayers and feel like a fraud? Do I offer a generic word of encouragement and feel like I'm being judged for not following instructions? It's alienating. And it's also melodramatic. I'm sure if whoever you're praying to is up there listening, he or she is #facepalming at all of these asinine requests. Stand on your own two feet, yo! Also, the #blessed on Twitter? ENOUGH!
3. Hashtags. I have several separate issues with #hashtags. In any case, can they be done? I'm tired of them. I feel like once they started to be used for comedic value, it took FOREVER for everyone to catch on, so you had people actually (trying) to use hashtags for their original purpose (these people were constantly being mocked), people that were using them ironically, and people who just kept saying "I don't get it!! What are these hashtags??" (see: moms). Now (most) people have caught up with the ironic hashtag fad, and it's over. It's not funny anymore. Cut it out. 
4. Stupid quotes. I don't really like quotes to begin with. Sure, there are been some truly great things said by truly influential people over time, but more often than not, "quotes" are mis...well...quoted, or completely made up, and a lot of them don't even make sense. For example, someone posted something to the effect of "What comes easy won't last. What lasts won't come easy." Aside from the "that's what she said" effect, this quote is not even remotely true. It is completely, one hundred percent unsubstantiated. Not only that, but it's simply stating the same exact thing twice. This "quote" wasn't even attributed to anyone, probably because NO ONE SAID IT. I don't know who gets to decide what sounds deep, but quit falling for this nonsense. You're better than that, everyone.
5. Self promotion. Especially in social media, but also just in general. Nothing yucks me out more than when someone who I thought I was relatively good acquaintances with tries to sell me something I didn't ask for. This falls into two categories: people who are trying to sell something legitimate and just don't know how to keep personal and business life separate, and pyramid schemers. The first group is annoying but forgivable; the second group is tragic. I cannot believe that pyramid schemes are still a thing, and yet there's always some yahoo on Facebook trying to recruit people to sell their miracle weight loss product and "go into business for themselves". These people usually don't even realize that they're part of a pyramid scheme, and will absolutely not admit it once it's been explained to them that they clearly are. Obviously they eventually stop advertising whatever they were trying to sell, because (shocker!) they weren't making any money doing it, but they'll usually turn up shortly thereafter trying to sell some other stupid miracle nonsense.
6. "Bae". I just combusted out of horror for even typing that.

Since I no longer exist, I guess I'm done. JGenc OUT!

Valentine's Day? More like Valentine's DON'T! (Ahem...)

This post will be about Valentine's Day (fair warning...I am NOT a fan).



I was never really one of those single girls who would get really bitter on Valentine's Day because I didn't have a date. In fact, when I was single, I kind of enjoyed Valentine's Day. My single gal pals and I would usually set up some big fancy schmancy night and have dinner and do girly things. It was pretty fun. This leads me to believe the following...



Valentine's Day was made for single girls!



I know that sounds silly. Especially when you consider how bent out of shape a lot of girls get when left date-less. But let's consider the facts:

• When you're NOT in a serious relationship, Valentine's Day is BY FAR the worst day of the year to go on a date.  The restaurants are SUPER crowded, the food is more expensive, and there's all this pressure heaped on that just makes the whole night feel awkward. 
• Your server DEFINITELY hates you on (and around) Valentine's day. You'd think that with restaurants being SUPER busy around the most romantic day of the year, that servers would be super pumped to be making so much money. You'd be wrong. Valentine's Day is the worst time of year for servers. Not only do you have to watch other people out enjoying themselves (which actually isn't that bad, because most people look like they'd rather be shot in the head than be there), but V-Day is what servers famously call "amateur hour". People who seemingly have never left their house before and don't know how to behave in restaurants crawl out of the woodwork. Teenagers. The TEENAGERS! Bad tippers. Applebee's frequenters (not that there's anything wrong with that!) at upscale restaurants. It's a nightmare.
• All of the stupid decorations. Now, I'm a pretty feminine person. I'm not a SUPER giggly girly-girl, and I'm not a HUGE fan of the color pink in general, but my preferences are usually much more on the feminine side. But all the hearts, EVERYWHERE? It's dumb. I don't WANT to deck my house out with a million hearts. And GUYS definitely don't like all that nonsense. Not even GAY guys. It's tacky. 
• Valentine's Day is actually kind of UN-romantic. I mean, think about it. What really gets the romantic flow going? Cherry tomatoes in salads painstakingly cut into little heart shapes? Horrible flowery greeting cards with twee quotes and nauseating poems? A SHIT TON of candy? Uh, no. Going to a restaurant packed like a can of sardines, and waiting 45 minutes for a table with no bar access to be found? Presents purchased at the grocery store? Underwear with hearts on it?? None of this stuff is remotely romantic, in my opinion. Add the unnecessary pressure, and you're got a stressful, cheesy night on your hands.

Now, as a single girl, Valentine's Day can be fun. Like I said, you can head out with your girlfriends, have some girly drinks, eat a bunch of chocolate, and act like idiots. It's a great time! I suggest instead of a "romantic" V-Day date with your s/o, have a co-ed V-Day party. That way, there's no pressure, no stupid wait times at restaurants, and everyone can just get drunk on pink drinks and eat a bunch of conversation hearts.



Jeff's birthday is February 15th. I use this as an excuse to nullify Valentine's Day. The fact that I'm a server makes it pretty much impossible to celebrate two separate times in the days surrounding Valentine's day weekend, and of course I consider his birthday to be more important than Valentine's day, so I just pretty much cancel it every year. Unfortunately, Valentine's Day makes his birthday more difficult to celebrate (with restaurant reservations and such), but it's not a huge deal. And it makes for better people watching. He still usually does something for me on the 14th (one year he sent flowers to me at work, so they were there before I got there...that was really sweet), but we don't usually have a big celebration. And I am A-OK with that.



How do you feel about Valentine's Day?

How to make your boyfriend hate you.

I'm going to give you some fashion tips. Why? Did anyone ask me for fashion tips? Am I particularly fashionable? Can I even pull half of the styles that I enjoy off? Perhaps the answer to all of these questions is a resounding "NO."...but this is MY BLOG, god damnit, and I will do as I please.



 As you may recall, a couple of posts ago I did a list of weight loss tips. The whole post was clearly a (ridiculous) joke. I assure you, nothing I'm about to say is a joke, though I'm sure some of it will most certainly sound ridiculous.



DISCLAIMER: I've reached a point in my life in which I no longer dress/style myself to catch the attention of men/sexual conquests. At this point in my life, my fashion goal is to make other bitches want to be me. Am I successful most of the time? Hell no. But that's the goal that I have in mind while dressing myself. I understand that this is not the MO of everyone, and that's fine. If you're looking to pick up a fly honey, probably do the exact OPPOSITE of everything I suggest. What dudes like to see on girls is NOT the same thing as what girls will envy/want to emulate. I'll go more into this later. Here we go.

Jessi's Style Tips!!!!

1. Want to look skinny? Squash those titties down, girl! Lots of women like to put emphasis on their breasts. They push them up, they squoosh them together, they pad them, they wear low-cut things to show them off.  Not this girl. My chest is not particularly large to begin with, but I like to go a step further and flatten it as much a humanly possible, so as to look like an 11 year old boy. Most of the clothes I buy look better on a boobless woman (in my opinion, anyway). My favorite way to achieve this look is with an bandeau bra. They come in endless cute colors/patterns, and they work as an accessory as WELL as a way to contain your ladies. You can wear them under sheer tops, and if you're wearing something low-cut and your bandeau shows a little bit, it just looks like a cami.
2. Keep your boyfriend in mind, and then pick the exact opposite of whatever he would like. When shopping, I ask myself, "Would Jeffrey think that this is hideous?" If the answer is yes, I buy it. I recently bought a chambray shirt, and the first time I wore it he told me I looked like a barrel racer (or something to that effect). One time I told him that he should tell me I'm hot more often, and he replied with "You should stop dressing like a homeless person." (this was all in fun; we were laughing.) I don't mind that Jeff hates the way I dress. I know that he loves me regardless, and he still thinks I look smokin' hot no matter what I wear. Now, that's not to say that I think that there's anything wrong with dressing to impress your fella every once in a while. I use this as a general rule, but every now and then I'll pick an outfit because I know Jeff will love it (he loves outfits that make me "look like an elf". The fuck. That's my guy.) Also, Jeff is not a PARTICULARLY fashionable, or certainly not trendy, guy. If your guy has a great fashion sense that meshes well with yours, by all means take his advice.
3. Embrace messy hair. I know that this quote is getting thrown all over the place these days, but it's true. I get WAY more complements on my hair when it's unwashed and gross and I've literally just thrown it up to get it out of my face then when I actually "do" it. Messy, free-spirited hair is very "in" right now, but it also requires no effort or concern. You don't have to worry about re-doing it halfway through the day or going outside and having it blown out of place, because it's already messy and it'll just get better throughout the day. Awesome, right?
4. Pair classic and simple with trendy. You don't want to walk around looking like an Urban Outfitters threw up on you. Take one trendy, patterned piece and pair it with something simple and boring. Or, if you're the type of person that can pull it off, layer a bunch of crazy patterns together, but I'm certainly not such a person (and most people aren't). Just whatever you do, don't get matchy. 
5. Accessorize your shit. I've learned that this is important, because I DON'T accessorize properly. I tend to wear a lot of boring, slouchy neutrals, and without proper accessories, I really DO just look like a homeless person. I've been getting more into layering costume-y type jewelry, and I recently got a great gold boyfriend watch as a birthday gift from Jeff. I've always been big into scarves. I think I'm going to try to get into hats a little bit more. It really makes a huge difference.
6. Follow your own style. For example, I don't care HOW fashionable it might be; I will NEVER wear leopard/cheetah print ANYTHING. I don't like peplum. Don't follow trends just because other people are. If you're wearing something that clearly doesn't suit your personal style/personality, you'll look uncomfortable and dumb. Also, if you start following every trend possible you'll risk looking like a high school student instead of a put-together adult. Wear what you like and pass on the rest.
7. Don't be a dumb skank. Or, in other words, dress for your occasion. Nothing annoys me more than when girls show up to dive bars in sequined, crotch grazing, sausage tight dresses and stilettos. Or when housewives show up to a casual restaurant bar in attire meant for the club (which they probably shouldn't be going to anyway). Or HEELS in the GYM!? Bitch, please. Seriously. I know that I said that I'm not trying to impress guys, but even if you are, when you dress COMPLETELY inappropriately for your age/venue, you just look desperate and comical. You are NEVER going to come out looking sexy or on your game by dressing like a whore in church. I'm just saying. Though not as offensive (in my opinion), this also applies to wearing workout gear to a relatively nice dinner or pajamas to the mall. Just dress like a functioning  member of society. It's not difficult.
8. Tell me to shut up, because I probably have no idea what I'm talking about, and have no right to be advising anyone on what to wear.

So, there you have it. If all else fails, just buy a forever lazy and wear that bitch everywhere. You'll look like an insane person, but dammit if you're not the comfiest person in the room.

Seasonal statements; gross candy.

It's autumn.



I mentioned before that I'm an "autumn hipster". What I meant is that I've always loved autumn. I don't know if autumn has always been the most popular season, or if it's actually just blown up in the past five or so years, but I certainly never noticed it before. Maybe it's because I grew up in western New York, where autumn literally lasts 2 weeks...



Okay, side note. I live in Delaware now. I've been here for over three years, and before that I lived in central Pennsylvania for about two years. I haven't actually lived in New York since 2006. However, I grew up there, and lived there for 22 + years. Please believe when I say I don't exaggerate when I say that the Buffalo area is, IN ACTUALITY, FREEZING COLD from late October until early May. It LITERALLY SNOWS from anywhere from mid October to early November until AT LEAST late April. That's hard to imagine, living in VERY temperate Delaware, but it's true. I'm really not exaggerating. 




Anyway. Fall is wildly popular these days. I'd like to talk about this.



I'm a seasonal person. I have always been into pumpkin flavored shit in autumn, peppermint and eggnog flavored shit during the Christmas season, and light fruity things during summer. And margaritas. And such. I'm a sucker for all of that. But I realize that, and I'm starting to question my actual fondness of all of this nonsense.I feel like this year, everyone got all bonkers over autumn themed everything WAY early. It's STARTING to get cool here, but half the time it's still 85 degrees during the day. I have not seen one leaf change colors thus far. It's over a month away from Halloween, and Macy's has Christmas trees on display. What! I can't even.



 So anyway, around this time each year, I get domestic. I start decorating my house according to season, baking pumpkin/apple/cinnamon items, and burning warmly scented candles (my favorite is my maple syrup candle from Yankee Candles). And each year, I buy candy corn and set it in my living room. Last year, I just bought candy corn and caramel apple  suckers, and set those bitches out. This year, I bought every single seasonally flavored candy I could find and threw that shit in a tacky candy corn patterned plastic bowl. Guys, I'm not really a candy person to begin with. I don't EVER buy candy bars. Not that I'm a health fanatic; I'm just not really into them. I'd rather eat half a gallon of ice cream. Or bake some chocolate chip cookies and eat three pounds of dough. So every year, I buy all this candy and put it out, but I don't eat it and no one ever comes to my apartment, so it just all kind of melts together and gets sticky and disgusting. And that's when I JUST buy candy corn. All of this seasonal candy is unappealing, to say the least. I had a bunch of candy leftover after I filled my ugly plastic bowl, so I brought the rest to work and had fun making everyone try it. A summary of what I purchased and the general consensus of each candy:

1. Caramel Apple Milky Ways. These were the most potentially yummy sounding. They were not yummy. I don't really like artificially apple flavored things to begin with. The artificial apple flavor gives me a headache, for some reason. Also, I couldn't figure out what, exactly, was apple-flavored. The caramel itself? The nougat? It was an unpleasant mystery. And the chocolate just completely clashed with the whole thing. Ick. I don't think anyone really liked these.
2. Pumpkin Spice Hershey Kisses. I LOVE pumpkin flavored things. Despite this fact, these just SOUNDED gross to me. These were horrifying. Just so, so gross. The kiss itself was some kind of cheap white chocolate orange grossness, and then when you bite into it, you get greeted by this awful white goo. The whole thing was WAY too spiced, and just tasted like sugar and cloves. These kind of divided the crowd; the people that hated them (almost everyone) REALLY hated them, but a few people LOVED them and said "it tastes just like pumpkin pie!" Someone else said something to the effect of "What really concerns me is that someone tasted this and was like, 'Hey, this is great! Let's sell these to the general public!'"
3. Caramel Apple Candy Corn. These were inoffensive, but not great. The general consensus on these was "meh."
4. White Chocolate Candy Corn M&M's. I actually just dumped the whole bag of these into my bowl, so no one at work got to try them. These sounded the second grossest to me, behind the kisses. I actually found them to be somewhat edible. They don't taste anything like candy corn to me. I think they're just white chocolate M&M's in candy corn colors. I normally don't really like white chocolate, but they certainly could've been worse.
5. And of course, I bought some original candy corn as well. I personally love candy corn, but I can only eat a piece or two before I get screaming pain in my teeth. And I DEFINITELY can't eat those candy corn pumpkins. I cringe just thinking about the pain. People are always divided on candy corn - again, those who like it REALLY love it, and those who don't HATE it.

Anyway, my point is this: I bought all of this nonsense simply because it's fall, and I love fall. I would never in a million years normally buy ANY of this stuff, with maybe the exception of the milky ways, just out of curiosity. I am most definitely a Seasonal Sucker.

On a more positive note...

Umm, I just discovered this band, The Reign of Kindo.



They're awesome. I've recently discovered that the voice of certain men singing makes me perverse and lustful (yeah, I just recently discovered this. Shut it.). Such is the case with this band. But that's the least of it. There is a LOT of badass piano going on, and great melodies and just wonderful song writing in general.


AND THEN!!




And then I discovered that this band is from BUFFALO! For all intents and purposes, that's my hometown! Buffalo represent! SOLD.




Check this noise out if you enjoy good music. If you don't, I'm sure Drake has recently come out with something. Look into that.

I'd like to ammend my previous statement...

In my blog about the fact that I'm INCREDIBLY judgemental for no reason, I stated that I will judge you if you like country music.




I'd like to take that back. Kind of. What I really meant, was that I will judge you if you like that country-pop shit like Keith Urban or Sugarland or what the fuck ever. And, I mean, I will. But I don't have any beef with, like, old school country. And I ENJOY some alternative country/folk music. I like Blitzen Trapper, and they call themselves "country" musicians. The Avett Brothers could certainly be considered a subset of country music, and they're one of my favorite bands.



But guys, what I really want to say is that I don't really give a shit what kind of music you listen to. I really don't. I am a music lunatic, and am absolutely obsessed with it, and I spend more time than I really care to admit researching bands and genres of music and histories of songwriters and how this guitarist ended up with that band after parting ways with those other guys and about the medical conditions of musicians that I listen to and what they really meant when they said that one thing in that one song and it's just exhausting and it never ends. But all of that is kind of private to me. If I find out that you like the same bands as me, I'm probably going to be really pumped about it, and THEN I'll want to talk about it, maybe. But I'll still probably be embarrassed about how much weird and useless information I know, and the fact that it makes me look like a stalker/shut-in. I don't really like to have the "what kind of music do you listen to" talk, because I feel like I'll sound pretentious. But I really don't think my music habits are cool, I think they're really dorky. I DO think I have badass music taste, but I assume that most people do. And I don't really like to name the "genre" of music I like, because I don't just listen to one type of music. If you tell someone you like "indie" music, you sound like an arrogant fuck. If you tell people you listen to "electronic" music, most people are probably going to think you're a weirdo. If you say you listen to "dance" music, people will either think that you're a raver who spends your average Wednesday evening rolling face and waving around glow sticks, or that you listen to fucking Cascada or some shit. Most of my friends do not, in fact, listen to the music I do, and classify my music as "weird stuff". Which really, most of it is not. I wish that I had more friends that DID listen to the music I listen to, because...I don't know, because I fucking love it and would like to listen to it in other peoples' presence without them going "what the FUCK IS this?" I don't even know what the hell most of my friends listen to, to be honest.




My boyfriend once asked me what it is that I like about the music that I like, and I wasn't able to answer him articulately. He has a distinct subset of qualities that he looks for in music, and almost all of the music that he likes follows that specific formula. I don't have that. There are a couple of qualities that I do enjoy (good percussion/base lines, minor keys, haunting melodies), but mostly I just want the music that I listen to make me feel some kind of way. I want it to either pump me up, or make me fall in love, or make me want to die. I want it to give me chills or make me dance. I want the lyrics to either be mind-blowingly good or weird as shit. I don't want it to be dull or uninspired. I don't want it to cater to the general public. I want it to be written as a form of expression. A lot of people that listen to similar types of music to mine bitch about their favorite bands getting discovered and going mainsteam and "selling out". And it's not that we want to be different because of the music that we like, or that we don't want our favorite bands to be successful and/or famous...it's more that once bands start catering to the general public, their music legitimately changes. It loses the magic quality that it held when it was just being written because it was inside of somebody and needed to come out. Music that is generally played on the radio is written to be sold and make money, not to inspire people. And that's why people like me hate when bands "sell out".





Anyway, what I'm getting at is that, sure, I'm judgemental. And if I find out that your favorite "musical artist" is Nicki Minaj, yeah, I'm probably going to think you suck a little bit. But I'll probably give you another chance. And I probably didn't ask you what your favorite kind of music was, so I don't know why you offered that information to begin with. And you probably think I'm arrogant, or pretentious, or weird, or dorky anyway. So let's just agree to disagree, and listen to some OneRepublic. Because let's just be honest:  who DOESN'T like that shit?