Say It's Not Her Fault?

WARNING: This post is not timely. And it's kind of unrelated to anything. Okay, you've been warned. Proceed at your own discretion.

Can we talk for a minute about that Robyn song "Call Your Girlfriend"? I have a random Spotify radio station playing as background music as I cook, and it just came on. And every time I hear this song, I have the same thought: I take issue with this. At first, it was like "Okay, I can kind of get down to this song." The next time I heard it, I listened a little more closely to the lyrics and was like "Lol, WTF?" And then I heard it a bunch more times, and each time I hear it the WTF factor goes up a little.

If you're unfamiliar with the lyrics, here's a link. Take a gander. I understand that music is a form of expression, and it's important that the artist feels free to not censor themselves, blah blah blah - no, I truly am one hundred percent behind that idea, don't get me wrong. But I take issue with the entire idea behind this song as person who's been cheated on - or, you know, as a person, in general. It's supposed to be a happy, romantic song about how this guy's finally found someone who truly GETS him, and they're going to run off together and be happy for the rest of their lives and make each other daisy crowns and roll in a field full of golden retriever puppies. Oh, but first he just has to let his girlfriend know he's leaving her for this other broad who he cheated on her with. No big deal, though! No hard feelings, his girlfriend didn't do anything wrong! He'll even still be her friend! She goes as far as to recommend explaining that it's just "so different when they kiss".

WHAT!!!

This is the most delusional nonsense I have ever heard. She's telling this guy to go give his current girlfriend this whole condescending speech about how it's not her, it's him, and SOMEDAY, SOMEONE will love her EVENTUALLY (maybe), but he still wants to be her friend! And meanwhile, the music is SO bright and optimistic that you have this whole scene in your head where you can't hear what's going on, but you can see the girl tearing up a little bit, but then she nods and gives the guy a big hug and a brave smile, and they go off their separate ways and everyone lives happily ever after. In fact, I haven't seen the video, but I would put a small amount of money on the storyline of the video playing out exactly like that. It's just so wrong. I hope that this song is supposed to be satirical or just a straight up joke, but I seriously doubt it.

"And you tell her that the only way her heart will mend/Is when she learns to love again/And it won't make sense right now but you're still her friend/And you let her down easy" Just, WHAT THE HELL!!

And she's back.

Uh oh, I feel a rant post coming on...


It's been too long, so here is a totally unsubstantiated and unwarranted list of things that have been pissing me off recently:

1. When people post about their run of the mill sickness on Facebook as though they're LITERALLY DYING. This seems to happen more now that a large percentage of my friend list has children. Their house will come down with a stomach bug, and then they're posting requests for prayers and incredibly grave statements that cause other (idiotic) people to voice their deep concern and pleas for more details. They clearly have the flu. Don't enable their theatrics. 
2. Since I mentioned it, let's move on to the Christian Revival of Facebook and Twitter 2014. Though I personally am not Christian, this is not an anti-Christian sentiment, but simply a plea to stop constantly asking for prayers on Facebook for EVERYTHING. Okay, if your grandma is dying, I get it. Ask for prayers. Whatever. (The issue of lamenting relatives' terminal illness on social media is a totally separate issue that I'm not going to get into.) But when you're applying for a job at Arby's? Not necessary. When you're potty training your cocker spaniel? No. First of all, if I legitimately would like to wish you well, not being of Christian persuasion, this makes me feel incredibly awkward. Do I offer my prayers and feel like a fraud? Do I offer a generic word of encouragement and feel like I'm being judged for not following instructions? It's alienating. And it's also melodramatic. I'm sure if whoever you're praying to is up there listening, he or she is #facepalming at all of these asinine requests. Stand on your own two feet, yo! Also, the #blessed on Twitter? ENOUGH!
3. Hashtags. I have several separate issues with #hashtags. In any case, can they be done? I'm tired of them. I feel like once they started to be used for comedic value, it took FOREVER for everyone to catch on, so you had people actually (trying) to use hashtags for their original purpose (these people were constantly being mocked), people that were using them ironically, and people who just kept saying "I don't get it!! What are these hashtags??" (see: moms). Now (most) people have caught up with the ironic hashtag fad, and it's over. It's not funny anymore. Cut it out. 
4. Stupid quotes. I don't really like quotes to begin with. Sure, there are been some truly great things said by truly influential people over time, but more often than not, "quotes" are mis...well...quoted, or completely made up, and a lot of them don't even make sense. For example, someone posted something to the effect of "What comes easy won't last. What lasts won't come easy." Aside from the "that's what she said" effect, this quote is not even remotely true. It is completely, one hundred percent unsubstantiated. Not only that, but it's simply stating the same exact thing twice. This "quote" wasn't even attributed to anyone, probably because NO ONE SAID IT. I don't know who gets to decide what sounds deep, but quit falling for this nonsense. You're better than that, everyone.
5. Self promotion. Especially in social media, but also just in general. Nothing yucks me out more than when someone who I thought I was relatively good acquaintances with tries to sell me something I didn't ask for. This falls into two categories: people who are trying to sell something legitimate and just don't know how to keep personal and business life separate, and pyramid schemers. The first group is annoying but forgivable; the second group is tragic. I cannot believe that pyramid schemes are still a thing, and yet there's always some yahoo on Facebook trying to recruit people to sell their miracle weight loss product and "go into business for themselves". These people usually don't even realize that they're part of a pyramid scheme, and will absolutely not admit it once it's been explained to them that they clearly are. Obviously they eventually stop advertising whatever they were trying to sell, because (shocker!) they weren't making any money doing it, but they'll usually turn up shortly thereafter trying to sell some other stupid miracle nonsense.
6. "Bae". I just combusted out of horror for even typing that.

Since I no longer exist, I guess I'm done. JGenc OUT!

We got those first world problems.

Let's talk about granite.


I have venetian gold granite in my kitchen. It's kind of a gold/black/honey colored granite with little sparkles and a tiny bit of gray. I fucking hate it. Now, please understand: I should be so lucky as to have this problem. On a list of problems that one could have, you could say that this could be classified as "not a problem", or perhaps "shut your overprivileged yuppy mouth, asshole". I am 100% in recognition of this. This does not change the fact that it drives me bonkers.

It's a lot darker and less gray than it looks in this crappy iPhone picture.

To say that "I fucking hate it" is also a relative term. Okay, it's an extremely overdramatic, hyperbolic thing to say, but you know. This is me you're talking to. I realize that we very easily could have moved into a house with, like, laminate countertop from 1978 (and not in a trendy way). Or one of those awful tile countertops that everything gets stuck in and you have to clean it with a toothbrush three times a day. Or linoleum, or something. (Did they even make linoleum countertops? I think I might be making that up.) And being that this is our first house and we probably won't live here longer than 10 years tops, it's unlikely that I would have installed new countertops regardless of what was here to begin with, so I would have had to live with it. But, in the granite world, it's pretty much the last color of granite or other types of solid material countertops I would ever choose. In fact, I probably wouldn't choose granite in general, but I'm getting to a really annoying, nitpick-y place here, so I digress. It's actually very pretty, but it's polar opposite from my style. It's very warm and contemporary, and I yearn for crisp, clean, modern and stark white. Especially in the kitchen. Also, it doesn't show ANYTHING. You'd think that would be a good thing, but when you're trying to keep your kitchen clean, it helps to be able to see what you're cleaning. I always feel like there's a big sticky puddle lurking in an undisclosed spot on my counter, just waiting for me to plop my hand in it. The newly discovered neat freak in me is NOT down with that.

I'm not the type to compromise, so at first I was bound and determined to install crisp white subway tile, and say to hell with the countertops. I'm certainly not going to replace perfectly good granite in a house that I don't plan on staying in forever, that would be absurd. I could deal with the white subway tile with these countertops; I think that it would neutralize them and it would look fine. But there's also the issue of our cabinets. They're off-white. If we install bright white subway tile, it will more than likely make the cabinets look dirty. I've considered re-painting them, but if we're being realistic there are a ton of things that could be done in this house that I'd rather do than re-paint our perfectly fine cabinets. Maybe once we get some more house projects under our belts I'll feel more motivated on the subject, but as of right now it seems kind of silly. So, I think I've conceded. I think that we can get away with a softer white, warmer subway tile while leaving the cabinets and the granite the way that they are. The kitchen will still be much brighter looking, but it will be more cohesive. Now I just have to decide if I can still get away with my light-gray-one-slate-blue-accent wall plan. I don't see why gray wouldn't work with the granite color, since there are flecks of gray right in it, but I can't really picture the room with gray walls. I definitely still want to work with my own style, while not having to do major renovations. Fingers crossed, guys. Fingers crossed.

Weight loss tips for the new year!

Happy new year everyone!



I know that A LOT of you probably have made the resolution to lose weight in the next year. Or "eat better" or "tighten that ass up" or "be healthy" or what the eff ever. So, being as wonderful and helpful as I am, I have decided to give you some of MY personal weight loss tips. So, without further ado:

Jessi's Weight Loss and Diet Tips!!!!!!!

1. If you don't like it, it doesn't count.  Sometimes I'll start eating something, and even though I don't HATE it, it's just not really my cup of tea. If this happens to you, just go ahead and continue eating it. In fact, you might as well just finish it. Calories from food that you're not enjoying don't count, and therefore will not cause you to gain weight.
2. Homemade food is ALWAYS healthy, and therefore practically calorie free. So, you've decided that instead of going out and eating a decadent, calorie-dense meal, you're going to cook a healthy meal at home.  However, somehow along the way you purchased all of the ingredients for gigantic steak burritos with a shitload of guacamole, sour cream, and refried beans, and have decided to make humongous homemade margaritas and fried ice cream. Not to worry! When you cook something yourself, it ALWAYS has less calories than whatever you would have ordered at any restaurant, and you may therefore eat, like, FOUR burritos and drink an entire pitcher of those margaritas! You probably burned off more calories cooking than you ate, anyway. You go, girl!
3. When you're drunk, the calories that you consume don't really exist. If you can't remember eating it, you didn't!
4. Also, calories from alcohol aren't real calories. Really, what harm could a bottle or two of wine cause? It's just grapes! Don't kid yourself, though: don't order frozen, blended drinks. I mean, c'mon. Fattie.
5. Calories from small pieces of things don't count. Say you're eating some cookies. Bad, right? WRONG! Just break those babies apart, and graze on them throughout the day! Broken cookies are practically diet food! Because they contain NO CALORIES! You can eat about eight cookies in total, but as long as they were broken you have NO IDEA how many cookies you've consumed, and therefore will see NO ill effects! This also works with eating a few chips at a time, or pretzels, or bites of ice cream...just don't even THINK about sitting down with a WHOLE BOWL. Don't be disgusting.
6. If you go to the gym and then immediately leave, it counts. Forgot your earbuds? Gym's too busy? You think that guy lifting weights looks suspicious and will probably murder you? No problem! Girl, you made it to the gym, and that's what counts. Go take a nap, you deserve it!
7. Coffee creamer doesn't add up throughout the day. Uh, the caffeine cancels it out. Duh.
8. Running one mile a day, twice a week makes you A RUNNER. Even if you walk 3/4 of the mile. And runners are hot! Congratulations, hottie!

There you go! I hope my tips were helpful and inspiring. Don't give up, 2013 is your year to shine! 

Kindness, schmindness.

So with the holidays and other things happening, people have been talking a lot about spreading kindness, or specifically about accomplishing 20-some (I've seen some people say 22, some say 26, etc.) acts of kindness (NO MATTER HOW SMALL) before Christmas.



I think that this is complete and utter nonsense.



Allow me to explain myself. I'm not ridiculously jaded enough to NOT BELIEVE in spreading kindness, or to be annoyed by kindness in and of itself. I'm not a monster! Jeez. Relax. I just think that this specific movement is stupid, because if you really think about it, 20 some kind actions in just short of A WEEK is a VERY SMALL NUMBER.



Seriously, think about it. I'm not tying to come off as some kind of humanitarian altruist who does nothing with my life other than rescuing lost puppies and helping elderly ladies cross the street. I am by no means extraordinarily kind in any way. But if I were to count every single nice thing (remember, NO MATTER HOW SMALL) I did IN A WEEK, it would sure as hell be higher than 20. And if it weren't, I'd feel like a pretty big asshole.



You see someone walking in front of you drop their scarf and you pick it up. Act of kindness. You hold the door for someone at Wawa. Boom. Act of kindness. The person in front of you in line AT THAT SAME WAWA is short 30 cents from buying their Philly blunt, so you give them some spare change. Kind (...?). You let someone cut in front of you at a red light because they were in the wrong lane. You tell your co-worker that her hair looks fierce as shit. You remember your boyfriend was running low on toothpaste (because he refuses to just use your brand), so you pick some up for him on the way home. You listen to a friend who's having a shitty day vent, and make them laugh. Someone at your table at work left their takeout, so you run out to the parking lot to give it to them. You put some change in the charity thing because you're at Wawa AGAIN. I'm at 9, and all of this could theoretically happen in ONE day. Hell, it could happen in a few hours. See?



Don't be an asshole and only do nice things when tragedy hits or during the holidays. And also don't pat yourself on the back for doing something nice once in a while. Sheesh. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!

Just why.

It's late, you guys. It's really late. There is no logical reason that I should be up, sober, at home, at this hour. But, since I'm home alone and 6 years old, I have decided that I need to watch something "cheerful" to prevent myself from...being murdered?



So, I watched an old episode of The Office (I know that that shit should be italicized or quotation marked, fuck off) that TiVo suggested that I watch, and while that was just lovely, it just wasn't enough. Or maybe it depressed me to remember how good The Office USED to be, or  how in love with John Krasinski I was, despite how stupid his hair used to look. This whole paragraph was ONE sentence.

Alright alright, I'm getting to my point. So anyway, I decided to watch something else, and ended up landing on motherfucking Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Why. Am I trying to amp up my killer instinct while I sleep? Have murderous night terrors?

Guy Motherfucking Fieri. I LOATHE this dude. I don't know if it's his FUCKING MIND-BLOWINGLY STUPID hair, his ambiguously-pronounced name, the fact that he frequently wears shirts with flames on them, his shitty restaurants that might as well be a goddamn Applebees, or just his terrible obnoxious personality. UGH, the sunglasses! And don't even get me started on this stupid show. Not only is the narration unbelievably annoying OH MY GOD I HE LITERALLY JUST PRONOUNCED "BAY LEAF" BAH-LEEFAY. As if that were the French pronunciation of the word. Uh...anyway, he's always correcting the damn business owners! He talks down to them like he's the king of every cuisine in the world and not some trashy Nascar enthusiast who swills Budweiser and oh my lord I just remembered he has a son named Harley. GOD!



So, I hate him a lot. But that caused me to realize...I hate about 75% of the people on the goddamn Food Network. And for some reason, I still legitimately enjoy watching it. I wouldn't even necessarily call myself a "foodie", though I certainly love the shit out of food. I don't even really cook very often. I bake, a LOT, but I don't even watch ANY of the million baking shows on TV, as I find them to be unwatchable. But anyway, I can't decide who bothers me more:

Sandra Lee. THIS bitch. Not only does she employ what I find to be the LAZIEST, most horrifying method ever ever EVER (Semi-homeade! Save 3 minutes by adding 500 preservatives and various food dyes to your childrens' food!), but she spends about 90% of the show concocting shitty cocktails and making elaborate table-scapes for every single meal she makes. The WHOLE POINT of the show is to SAVE TIME by using pre-made shit you can buy at the store, and then she turns around and spends 3 hours putting ribbon and silk flowers on the freaking table! And don't get me started on her Halloween episode, of which the entire purpose is for her to prance around in 30 different preposterous costumes. Christ.

Rachael Ray. Eat a dick, Rachael.

Giada De Laurentiis. It took me a while to really decide whether or not I hated her. Her personality doesn't really seem THAT awful, and she loves the shit out of chocolate. But I Cannot. Handle. Her fake Italian accent ONLY used on Italian words, and her big huge cheshire cat mouth weirds me out. Also she refuses to cook ANYTHING other than strictly Italian food. Get a hold of yourself, Giada. Nationalist.

Ina Garten, otherwise known as "The Barefoot Contessa". Okay, her recipes are LEGIT. But she calls herself THE BAREFOOT freaking CONTESSA. What the fuck? Also, she lives in the Hamptons, only shops in this pretentious little gourmet shops, only hangs out with gay men (and her husband Jeffrey, who is clearly also gay), and is constantly name-dropping famous people. Fuck you, Ina.



Please believe I could continue for days...I didn't even touch on Paula Deen and her ridiculous accent. I DO feel that I would be remiss if I didn't mention my undying adoration for Alton Brown, though. I could (and probably will) write an entire separate blog just about his adorable little face, his silly little characters, and the way that he not only teaches me HOW to cook, but WHY I need to do certain things, and the science behind all of that. I love you, Alton. I'm sorry that you have to share a network with all of these ridiculous tools.



I'm sorry that I sometimes write when I'm half-asleep, friends.

Excercise is weird, man.

On the drive home from work, I pass this park. It's pretty nice, it has running trails and a bark park, and borders this...pond? Some kind of body of water. So I'm driving past it, and I start thinking about how I should mix up my running routine and maybe start running there, since I'm getting bored running in circles around my neighborhood. So naturally I start picturing myself running up hills through the woods, and it occurs to me.


Excercise is weird.


That sounds dumb. I know. But think about it. The idea of excercising, in the grand scheme of things, is kind of bizarre. We shouldn't have to run full speed up hills to nowhere, being chased by no one, to maintain optimal appearance and performance. Clearly we're not doing whatever it is we were made to do. That'd be like having to take your car out every day and speed down a road, possibly dragging something weighty, to maintain its engine.


Uh, so. That's my deep thought for the day. If I thought people were actually reading this, I'd apologize for the three minutes you'll never get back. But, since I'm fairly confident that no one is, I'll just trail off awkwardly. So...later...

This is not about anything.

Some thoughts for the day (musings, if you will):



Will I go blind or some variation thereof (eyes falling out, etc) if I wear my contacts literally from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed every single day? I'm talking during naps, in the shower, in the pool, while drunk, while cutting onions...every minute. My optometrist recommended taking them out after work daily and wearing glasses to "let my eyes breathe", and also giving my eyes "a day off" frequently. I don't do this. I REALLY hate wearing my glasses. It's not an aesthetic thing, it's a comfort thing. I don't like it. They make the bridge of my nose sweat, and they make it difficult to lay down. I REALLY like to lay down. And I like being able to see things while laying down. Like, say, my TV. So. Oh, and also, I only switch out my contacts for new ones every three to six months. I'm supposed to do that every single month. I have not noticed any ill effect. I'm really just waiting to go totally blind one day out of the blue.



I love Adam Scott. No. I'm IN love with Adam Scott. Not, "I enjoy his work", or "I like the movies/shows he's in", or "I think he's cute". No. I'm in love with him. There's nothing that makes him INCREDIBLY appealing to me as an actor, though I do enjoy his acting offerings. He is everything that I look for in a man. Pretty boring looking, dark hair, skinny, dresses pretty boring, reminiscent of a hipster without actually being one. I have a very distinct aesthetic (that's today's word) taste in men, and it consists of a very specific type of blandness. I don't like my men to be super hot. Unless their name rhymes with myan schmosling. I am seriously way way way more attracted to boring looking dudes. So he's got that going for him. And then there's his personality. His sense of humor is as dry as it can get without being non-existent. He's sarcastic. He's boring and polite enough to appeal to the 85+ crowd. He seems quite intelligent, and a little pretentious, but not really outwardly so. He's nerdy, and his character on Parks and Rec loves superheroes and shit, so I just assume he does in real life as well. I'm into that. I assume his taste of music is something like "indie rock mixed with random obscure hardcore", which is my ideal "guy music type". He's the type of guy who, if I were to know him in real life, the majority of my girl friends would say "Really?? Ugh Jessi, your taste in guys is SO WEIRD.", which is generally what I aim for. Guys, I've clearly put a lot of thought into this. He's THE ONE.

Sidenote: There is apparently also an Adam Scott who is a golfer. That is not who I am talking about; however, it IS the guy who has a supermodel girlfriend, who I previously thought was the girlfriend of MY Adam Scott. Upon further investigation, I found that MY Adam Scott is actually married. So. There's that. It's okay, Hollywood marriages don't last. He'll be mine.



I'm not good at posting pictures on this here little blog. I don't really know how to do it other than in the most simplistic manner, and don't know how to change the size, or the placement, really, of my pictures. This could be alleviated with the smallest amount of research, of which I am not going to do.



I've been wearing a lot of dresses lately. A reasonable assumption would be that I'm doing so to appear nice, or possibly more feminine. Or that I'm trying to get noticed. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE attention. And I like to look pretty. However, the reason that I've been wearing dresses is because I am SO INCREDIBLY LAZY that it's almost unbelievable. The long and short of it is that a dress is ONE article of clothing that you slip over your head, and THEN YOU'RE DONE. No figuring out outfits, no putting on pants, no layering, no NOTHING. AND they keep you cool. AND I may have run out of every single reasonably clean article of casual summer clothing that I own for a period of  time. I might even wear THE SAME maxi dress I wore yesterday simply to get my eyebrows done today, even though I actually did laundry yesterday, just because it's sitting on top of my laundry basket.




Spotify has this feature that enables you to play a streaming radio station based on playlists that YOU'VE created. When I found this out, I was VERY jazzed...what a perfect way to find new music based on MY music taste from a SPECIFIC subset of songs and artists that I'VE created! I decided today, however, that I'd generally just rather listen to the damn playlist that I've so painstakingly created in the first place. Most of the songs that they play on the station that aren't already on my playlist are just rejects from my playlist that I didn't want to hear in the first place, and since I spend HOURS and HOURS tooling through the vast Spotify universe, I rarely find music that I wasn't aware of in the first place. So. Don't call me a control freak.



I'm tired of writing things that no one is ever going to read for the time being. Goodbye!