Can We Chill With the Sarcasm?

I'm so sarcastic that nobody knows when I'm being serious. I've actually been asked, several times, if I was being serious, when I thought that it was wildly clear that I was being sarcastic. Normally if something like this were to happen, I'd assume that the person I was speaking to was a simpleton. However, I'm so frequently sarcastic that I don't even know if I'm being serious on occasion.

This is getting a little out of hand. And it's not just me. The other day I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, and someone on my friend list had responded to someone's (this person was not on my friend list, and I don't know them) post about getting into a car accident. Now, personally, the only reason that I would mention being in a car accident on Facebook is if I wanted to keep my family informed about it for some reason, but even then probably not, because I'd probably just have contacted them by some other means. But regardless, this person had said something to the effect of, "Just got T-boned and totaled my car...not what I planned on doing when I woke up this morning!! :(" For some reason, that statement really rubbed me the wrong way. Good lord! Why is it necessary to be snarky about a major car accident in which people could have been seriously hurt? But when I thought about it, it definitely isn't outside of the realm of possibility that I, too, would be snarky in a similar situation.

The world today is dramatically different than it was when I was growing up. Because every thought that goes through a person's mind can be (and usually is) displayed publicly and everything that everyone posts (well, most everyone) is edited carefully and thought through ten times over, there's this huge pressure to be on all the time. No matter what we're saying, everything needs to be either entertaining, clever, or ridiculously poignant, lest you be mocked (at least in your own mind) by everyone you know. One of the easiest defense mechanisms to neutralize pretty much anything that you have to say is sarcasm. By injecting a little sarcasm, you can make whatever you're saying seem nonchalant and witty. But being snarky and sarcastic has become so commonplace that it's invalidating actual conversation, and it's starting to make everything we say meaningless. There's a time and a place for sarcasm and certainly for snark, but let's reel it in a bit.

Here's an idea. If we're about to say something and fear that it's too boring, let's not say it. 80% of the crap we say online doesn't need to be said. Honestly, unless you're a master of the sarcastic arts, making your boring statement sarcastic isn't going to make it less boring. And if we're nervous that saying something straightforward is going to bring about judgement, let's grow a pair and just say it. And please understand, I'm not trying to be condescending with my use of 'let's' - like I said, I'm probably more guilty of this stuff than anyone else. Let's bring back real conversation and make actually powerful statements. Let's redeem our generation.

SMDH (is an example of what NOT to say, and also what I am doing)

Middle-aged people and social networking/texting/other internetly things.



This is an issue that has had me boggled for quite some time now. How parents/older relatives/coworkers...anyone of a certain age can be perfectly intelligent and composed people, and then they get on Facebook and lose ALL MANNER of grammar/spelling/punctuation/decorum. What is going on! These people are OLDER than me, they should be MORE likely to use correct syntax. Right?! These are the people, theoretically, who TAUGHT me how to use the English language. For some time, I was more than a little concerned that this was my future - once you reach the age of, I don't know, say 36? You completely forget everything you ever knew about corresponding properly, and suddenly find it acceptable to abbreviate three letter words. Clearly it's already happening to me. Do you SEE the number of commas I use? Holy moses.



And then, tonight, it hit me.



Someone on my Facebook posted a status about being taught to use Instagram by a 22 year old (Shoutout to that person! I don't remember who you are. Nor do I have any idea if you are actually older than me. If you're reading this, I'm not talking smack on you. In fact, I'm thanking you, because you brought me to this realization. Don't yell at me, I'm sensitive.). YOU GUYS! You're having people who are WAY TOO YOUNG teach you how to internet! Don't have your teenage niece teach you how to use Twitter! You're gonna be hashtagging every word and tweeting about what you ate for breakfast in no time! Don't have your 12 year old son teach you what to write on Facebook, no one REALLY wants the answer to the (non) question "TRUTH IS?". FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don't EVER say "lol" un-ironically. It's not 2003. And probably don't do it ironically either, you're too old for that shit.



I'd say, to be safe, have someone over the age of 25 and under the age of 40 teach you how to properly behave on social networking sites. And when in doubt, just pretend you're talking to a friend on the phone, and type out that conversation using proper English and full words. You don't have to be overly formal, but you DO need to punctuate your sentences. And dear, DEAR lord, please do not EVER take a picture of yourself standing in front of a mirror. PLEASE.



Love you mom!

Why I hate even more people than usual currently.

I hate election years.



Obviously I'm not alone in the "I don't want to hear peoples' opinions on politics" camp. Most people are right there with me. For good reason. I understand that the way our country is being run is important. I do. And of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's one of the things that makes this country great.


But for the love of God, please please PLEASE keep that opinion to yourself.


Or hey. You know what, share it. Share the hell out of that opinion. But do it in an appropriate forum. Call NPR. Join a political message board (are message boards still a thing?). Talk to your dog about it. I don't really care. Just STOP POSTING SHIT ABOUT IT ON FACEBOOK. Don't start talking about it at the bar. Or at work. Or to your 9 year old's teacher. Stop it. I don't care that you think Obama is a gay Muslim terrorist who hid his super fabulous gay past in a nefarious plan to end Christianity forever (this is an actual theory that I read). Stop it, because once I find out that you're batshit crazy, or a horrible person, or just FUCKING STUPID, I can't un-find it out. And my opinion of you will change. And I probably thought you were just the bee's knees before. And probably so did other people. And now I don't, and they probably don't either.



I'm personally not ridiculously educated, politically speaking. I know the fundamentals of each party, I know the positions of each candidate on the major financial and social issues. I vote for all of the major elections. I'm not as active as I probably should be, but I'm not COMPLETELY ignorant. I admittedly have my own opinions. Strong ones, actually. I'm an opinionated person. The thing is, though, that I keep them to myself, for the most part. I realize that spouting my opinion off to everyone I see is not going to help/change anything, and will just make people want to do ANYTHING other than talk to me, ever again. And if YOU start spouting off YOUR opinion to ME, and it's FUCKING STUPID AND MISINFORMED, not only do I end up thinking that you're an idiot, I want to TELL you that you're an idiot, and explain WHY you're an idiot. And then, BAM! I'm talking about goddamn politics.


I don't want to do that.



Don't make me do things I don't want to do.

Oh god, I don't know how to be a person.

Oh okay, so here's a thing: how do you be assertive and clear to people without sounding like a dick? I should know how to do this, absolutely, because I am in the service industry, and have been for a long time. This should be a thing that I am good at. But I just don't know how to do it. Okay, so an example of what I'm talking about is such: I am about to order dinner for delivery from Seasons. I prefer to order it online, because ordering online allows me to customize the order so that they have everything I want already written down, all the work done by me, and I don't have to give a long-winded order to some poor apathetic person on the phone. I frequently get a chicken cheesesteak wrap with grilled onions, mushrooms, green peppers, american cheese, and salt and pepper. And I like it to be toasted. That might sound kind of long-winded, but that's not the problem. They've gotten that right several times. The kicker is that I like my chicken cheesesteak wrap WITHOUT the chicken. So basically just veggies and cheese in a wrap. So I include a note that says "No chicken, please! Just veggies and cheese." They've done this successfully several times (I eat Seasons a lot). Once or twice, they called me and were like "So...no chicken? Just...veggies and cheese?" and I'm like "Yep!" and then they're like "uh.....but...well...okay." and then it's fine, and I enjoy my delicious food some 45 minutes later. I don't think I'm being super unreasonable; I'm even willing to PAY for the chicken I'm not eating. Now, for some reason, recently they've been having trouble with this order. First, they sent me exactly what I ordered, except they left the chicken on the wrap. Which is okay, because I'm not a vegetarian; I just prefer my wrap sans chicken. It's less greasy, and more...tastefully(?) pleasing to me that way. So whatever, I ate it and the next time I ordered, I was shouty about the chicken ("NO CHICKEN, please. JUST VEGGIES AND CHEESE"). Still polite, just a little larger text. So instead of just leaving the chicken off my wrap, they created their own invention. I'm assuming they thought that I was a vegetarian, and thought that I was under the impression that all I could get was what I ordered, so decided to give me a chef's tasting menu veggie wrap creation. They threw broccoli on that bitch, and sweet peppers (which I HATE), and instead of american cheese, gave me mozzarella. It definitely wasn't someone else's order or something, because that's not anything remotely similar to anything on the menu. It was definitely them thinking that I couldn't possibly actually WANT what I ordered, and that what they put together would taste WAY better. I'm not a dick, so I picked the sweet peppers off and ate it without complaint. But now I want to order again, and I want to make sure that there isn't a repeat of last time. So my question is this: how do I do this without being a dick? Do I call and order my obnoxious and complex order over the phone, and make some person take all that information down? Do I order online and then call and verify that I want EXACTLY what I ordered? Because if someone called ME to confirm they want EXACTLY what they order, I would definitely roll my eyes, hang up, and yell "DICK!!!" Am I just a dick in general for having such a high-maintenance (?) order to begin with? OR. Maybe I'm just a freak for worrying so much about this altogether. It's not like my minor annoyingness is going to ruin somebody's day. I'm not yelling at anyone, or even copping a 'tude. I'm extremely polite about it either way, and I tip generously. So, who cares I guess. Except I still DO care. Maybe I should just be medicated. SIGH.