More Like Trader...GO Home You're Giving Me An Anxiety Attack.

'Tis the season for people to act like total assholes.

LOL I'M KIDDING. No, that's a lie. This is going to be a discussion about Trader Joe's. And it's not going to be the kind of Trader Joe's discussion in which I wax poetic about how amazing their Turbinado Sugar Sea Salt Dark Chocolate Almonds are or how I could spend six hours straight in their cheese section (but they are! And I could! That post will undoubtedly come someday, but not today.) This is going to be a discussion about how I can only go to Trader Joe's maybe once a month, lest my blood pressure skyrocket and I end up hospitalized.

LOOK AT THIS.

What is the deal with people in Trader Joe's? Wait. Let's back up. Let's start in the Trader Joe's parking lot, because that's a situation that probably deserves its own article. But it's going in this one. I swear to god there is some kind of a substance - a gas, perhaps? Being pumped directly into the parking lot, which causes people to act like absolutely vacant jagoffs from the time they arrive in the parking lot, continuing for the duration of the time they're in the store, until they're several miles outside of the vicinity. Parking lots are bad enough during the holiday season - I could write an entire BOOK about how much I hate parking lots - but there's something about a Trader Joe's parking lot that makes people completely incapable of looking anywhere, before they do anything, ever. These people will run over children. They'll run down the elderly. They don't care. They just want their cookie butter, and they don't want to walk more than 20 yards for it. I am one hundred percent honest when I tell you I will park in the furthest spot possible away from the store in negative 10 degree weather and sleet just to avoid dealing with these boneheads.

So then you go into the store. It's like the damn Lord of the Flies in there. No one has any regard whatsoever for the direction anyone else is going. They stop in the middle of nowhere. They'll park their carts smack in the middle of the cheese display and look at a brick of camembert for 20 minutes while you mentally jab their eyes out and throw them at their head. They'll dart across the store, cutting 20 people off and tripping over someone's two year old who's been inexplicably left in the middle of the floral section on the floor for a free sample of local fig and serrano pepper chutney on an artisanal cheese straw. AND THE AISLES! You go into a regular grocery store, and there's a clear direction laid out. One side of the aisle is up, the other side is down. Nooooo, not at Trader Joe's! Their aisles are about 1/8th of the width of a normal aisle, and it's a free for all! You better be either prepared to fist fight a path for yourself, or to wait 40 minutes at the end of the aisle until someone is done reading the label of every pasta sauce in the entire store (there are 300). Possibly the worst part of all of this is that you become a part of the problem by default. No matter what you do, you're going to get in someone's way or cut them off, because when everyone is doing it it's impossible not to. It's a vicious cycle. Every time I go into that store, I come out with at least 3 fresh gray hairs, and my next stop is always the liquor store (because my Trader Joe's doesn't even sell 2 Buck Chuck! Freaking Delaware.)

This is a picture I texted to my friend one day, because it was the only time I had been able to freely maneuver in this store. EVER. She responded with shock and jealousy.

 So, this is the way Trader Joe's is ALL of the time, and then during the holidays it's like this times 4500. But you HAVE to go! Because cheese! And those almonds! And CHEESE. I'm tellin' ya. White people problems, AMIRITE GUYS?

Ugh.

And she's back.

Uh oh, I feel a rant post coming on...


It's been too long, so here is a totally unsubstantiated and unwarranted list of things that have been pissing me off recently:

1. When people post about their run of the mill sickness on Facebook as though they're LITERALLY DYING. This seems to happen more now that a large percentage of my friend list has children. Their house will come down with a stomach bug, and then they're posting requests for prayers and incredibly grave statements that cause other (idiotic) people to voice their deep concern and pleas for more details. They clearly have the flu. Don't enable their theatrics. 
2. Since I mentioned it, let's move on to the Christian Revival of Facebook and Twitter 2014. Though I personally am not Christian, this is not an anti-Christian sentiment, but simply a plea to stop constantly asking for prayers on Facebook for EVERYTHING. Okay, if your grandma is dying, I get it. Ask for prayers. Whatever. (The issue of lamenting relatives' terminal illness on social media is a totally separate issue that I'm not going to get into.) But when you're applying for a job at Arby's? Not necessary. When you're potty training your cocker spaniel? No. First of all, if I legitimately would like to wish you well, not being of Christian persuasion, this makes me feel incredibly awkward. Do I offer my prayers and feel like a fraud? Do I offer a generic word of encouragement and feel like I'm being judged for not following instructions? It's alienating. And it's also melodramatic. I'm sure if whoever you're praying to is up there listening, he or she is #facepalming at all of these asinine requests. Stand on your own two feet, yo! Also, the #blessed on Twitter? ENOUGH!
3. Hashtags. I have several separate issues with #hashtags. In any case, can they be done? I'm tired of them. I feel like once they started to be used for comedic value, it took FOREVER for everyone to catch on, so you had people actually (trying) to use hashtags for their original purpose (these people were constantly being mocked), people that were using them ironically, and people who just kept saying "I don't get it!! What are these hashtags??" (see: moms). Now (most) people have caught up with the ironic hashtag fad, and it's over. It's not funny anymore. Cut it out. 
4. Stupid quotes. I don't really like quotes to begin with. Sure, there are been some truly great things said by truly influential people over time, but more often than not, "quotes" are mis...well...quoted, or completely made up, and a lot of them don't even make sense. For example, someone posted something to the effect of "What comes easy won't last. What lasts won't come easy." Aside from the "that's what she said" effect, this quote is not even remotely true. It is completely, one hundred percent unsubstantiated. Not only that, but it's simply stating the same exact thing twice. This "quote" wasn't even attributed to anyone, probably because NO ONE SAID IT. I don't know who gets to decide what sounds deep, but quit falling for this nonsense. You're better than that, everyone.
5. Self promotion. Especially in social media, but also just in general. Nothing yucks me out more than when someone who I thought I was relatively good acquaintances with tries to sell me something I didn't ask for. This falls into two categories: people who are trying to sell something legitimate and just don't know how to keep personal and business life separate, and pyramid schemers. The first group is annoying but forgivable; the second group is tragic. I cannot believe that pyramid schemes are still a thing, and yet there's always some yahoo on Facebook trying to recruit people to sell their miracle weight loss product and "go into business for themselves". These people usually don't even realize that they're part of a pyramid scheme, and will absolutely not admit it once it's been explained to them that they clearly are. Obviously they eventually stop advertising whatever they were trying to sell, because (shocker!) they weren't making any money doing it, but they'll usually turn up shortly thereafter trying to sell some other stupid miracle nonsense.
6. "Bae". I just combusted out of horror for even typing that.

Since I no longer exist, I guess I'm done. JGenc OUT!

Valentine's Day? More like Valentine's DON'T! (Ahem...)

This post will be about Valentine's Day (fair warning...I am NOT a fan).



I was never really one of those single girls who would get really bitter on Valentine's Day because I didn't have a date. In fact, when I was single, I kind of enjoyed Valentine's Day. My single gal pals and I would usually set up some big fancy schmancy night and have dinner and do girly things. It was pretty fun. This leads me to believe the following...



Valentine's Day was made for single girls!



I know that sounds silly. Especially when you consider how bent out of shape a lot of girls get when left date-less. But let's consider the facts:

• When you're NOT in a serious relationship, Valentine's Day is BY FAR the worst day of the year to go on a date.  The restaurants are SUPER crowded, the food is more expensive, and there's all this pressure heaped on that just makes the whole night feel awkward. 
• Your server DEFINITELY hates you on (and around) Valentine's day. You'd think that with restaurants being SUPER busy around the most romantic day of the year, that servers would be super pumped to be making so much money. You'd be wrong. Valentine's Day is the worst time of year for servers. Not only do you have to watch other people out enjoying themselves (which actually isn't that bad, because most people look like they'd rather be shot in the head than be there), but V-Day is what servers famously call "amateur hour". People who seemingly have never left their house before and don't know how to behave in restaurants crawl out of the woodwork. Teenagers. The TEENAGERS! Bad tippers. Applebee's frequenters (not that there's anything wrong with that!) at upscale restaurants. It's a nightmare.
• All of the stupid decorations. Now, I'm a pretty feminine person. I'm not a SUPER giggly girly-girl, and I'm not a HUGE fan of the color pink in general, but my preferences are usually much more on the feminine side. But all the hearts, EVERYWHERE? It's dumb. I don't WANT to deck my house out with a million hearts. And GUYS definitely don't like all that nonsense. Not even GAY guys. It's tacky. 
• Valentine's Day is actually kind of UN-romantic. I mean, think about it. What really gets the romantic flow going? Cherry tomatoes in salads painstakingly cut into little heart shapes? Horrible flowery greeting cards with twee quotes and nauseating poems? A SHIT TON of candy? Uh, no. Going to a restaurant packed like a can of sardines, and waiting 45 minutes for a table with no bar access to be found? Presents purchased at the grocery store? Underwear with hearts on it?? None of this stuff is remotely romantic, in my opinion. Add the unnecessary pressure, and you're got a stressful, cheesy night on your hands.

Now, as a single girl, Valentine's Day can be fun. Like I said, you can head out with your girlfriends, have some girly drinks, eat a bunch of chocolate, and act like idiots. It's a great time! I suggest instead of a "romantic" V-Day date with your s/o, have a co-ed V-Day party. That way, there's no pressure, no stupid wait times at restaurants, and everyone can just get drunk on pink drinks and eat a bunch of conversation hearts.



Jeff's birthday is February 15th. I use this as an excuse to nullify Valentine's Day. The fact that I'm a server makes it pretty much impossible to celebrate two separate times in the days surrounding Valentine's day weekend, and of course I consider his birthday to be more important than Valentine's day, so I just pretty much cancel it every year. Unfortunately, Valentine's Day makes his birthday more difficult to celebrate (with restaurant reservations and such), but it's not a huge deal. And it makes for better people watching. He still usually does something for me on the 14th (one year he sent flowers to me at work, so they were there before I got there...that was really sweet), but we don't usually have a big celebration. And I am A-OK with that.



How do you feel about Valentine's Day?

Kindness, schmindness.

So with the holidays and other things happening, people have been talking a lot about spreading kindness, or specifically about accomplishing 20-some (I've seen some people say 22, some say 26, etc.) acts of kindness (NO MATTER HOW SMALL) before Christmas.



I think that this is complete and utter nonsense.



Allow me to explain myself. I'm not ridiculously jaded enough to NOT BELIEVE in spreading kindness, or to be annoyed by kindness in and of itself. I'm not a monster! Jeez. Relax. I just think that this specific movement is stupid, because if you really think about it, 20 some kind actions in just short of A WEEK is a VERY SMALL NUMBER.



Seriously, think about it. I'm not tying to come off as some kind of humanitarian altruist who does nothing with my life other than rescuing lost puppies and helping elderly ladies cross the street. I am by no means extraordinarily kind in any way. But if I were to count every single nice thing (remember, NO MATTER HOW SMALL) I did IN A WEEK, it would sure as hell be higher than 20. And if it weren't, I'd feel like a pretty big asshole.



You see someone walking in front of you drop their scarf and you pick it up. Act of kindness. You hold the door for someone at Wawa. Boom. Act of kindness. The person in front of you in line AT THAT SAME WAWA is short 30 cents from buying their Philly blunt, so you give them some spare change. Kind (...?). You let someone cut in front of you at a red light because they were in the wrong lane. You tell your co-worker that her hair looks fierce as shit. You remember your boyfriend was running low on toothpaste (because he refuses to just use your brand), so you pick some up for him on the way home. You listen to a friend who's having a shitty day vent, and make them laugh. Someone at your table at work left their takeout, so you run out to the parking lot to give it to them. You put some change in the charity thing because you're at Wawa AGAIN. I'm at 9, and all of this could theoretically happen in ONE day. Hell, it could happen in a few hours. See?



Don't be an asshole and only do nice things when tragedy hits or during the holidays. And also don't pat yourself on the back for doing something nice once in a while. Sheesh. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!

SMDH (is an example of what NOT to say, and also what I am doing)

Middle-aged people and social networking/texting/other internetly things.



This is an issue that has had me boggled for quite some time now. How parents/older relatives/coworkers...anyone of a certain age can be perfectly intelligent and composed people, and then they get on Facebook and lose ALL MANNER of grammar/spelling/punctuation/decorum. What is going on! These people are OLDER than me, they should be MORE likely to use correct syntax. Right?! These are the people, theoretically, who TAUGHT me how to use the English language. For some time, I was more than a little concerned that this was my future - once you reach the age of, I don't know, say 36? You completely forget everything you ever knew about corresponding properly, and suddenly find it acceptable to abbreviate three letter words. Clearly it's already happening to me. Do you SEE the number of commas I use? Holy moses.



And then, tonight, it hit me.



Someone on my Facebook posted a status about being taught to use Instagram by a 22 year old (Shoutout to that person! I don't remember who you are. Nor do I have any idea if you are actually older than me. If you're reading this, I'm not talking smack on you. In fact, I'm thanking you, because you brought me to this realization. Don't yell at me, I'm sensitive.). YOU GUYS! You're having people who are WAY TOO YOUNG teach you how to internet! Don't have your teenage niece teach you how to use Twitter! You're gonna be hashtagging every word and tweeting about what you ate for breakfast in no time! Don't have your 12 year old son teach you what to write on Facebook, no one REALLY wants the answer to the (non) question "TRUTH IS?". FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don't EVER say "lol" un-ironically. It's not 2003. And probably don't do it ironically either, you're too old for that shit.



I'd say, to be safe, have someone over the age of 25 and under the age of 40 teach you how to properly behave on social networking sites. And when in doubt, just pretend you're talking to a friend on the phone, and type out that conversation using proper English and full words. You don't have to be overly formal, but you DO need to punctuate your sentences. And dear, DEAR lord, please do not EVER take a picture of yourself standing in front of a mirror. PLEASE.



Love you mom!

Why I hate even more people than usual currently.

I hate election years.



Obviously I'm not alone in the "I don't want to hear peoples' opinions on politics" camp. Most people are right there with me. For good reason. I understand that the way our country is being run is important. I do. And of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's one of the things that makes this country great.


But for the love of God, please please PLEASE keep that opinion to yourself.


Or hey. You know what, share it. Share the hell out of that opinion. But do it in an appropriate forum. Call NPR. Join a political message board (are message boards still a thing?). Talk to your dog about it. I don't really care. Just STOP POSTING SHIT ABOUT IT ON FACEBOOK. Don't start talking about it at the bar. Or at work. Or to your 9 year old's teacher. Stop it. I don't care that you think Obama is a gay Muslim terrorist who hid his super fabulous gay past in a nefarious plan to end Christianity forever (this is an actual theory that I read). Stop it, because once I find out that you're batshit crazy, or a horrible person, or just FUCKING STUPID, I can't un-find it out. And my opinion of you will change. And I probably thought you were just the bee's knees before. And probably so did other people. And now I don't, and they probably don't either.



I'm personally not ridiculously educated, politically speaking. I know the fundamentals of each party, I know the positions of each candidate on the major financial and social issues. I vote for all of the major elections. I'm not as active as I probably should be, but I'm not COMPLETELY ignorant. I admittedly have my own opinions. Strong ones, actually. I'm an opinionated person. The thing is, though, that I keep them to myself, for the most part. I realize that spouting my opinion off to everyone I see is not going to help/change anything, and will just make people want to do ANYTHING other than talk to me, ever again. And if YOU start spouting off YOUR opinion to ME, and it's FUCKING STUPID AND MISINFORMED, not only do I end up thinking that you're an idiot, I want to TELL you that you're an idiot, and explain WHY you're an idiot. And then, BAM! I'm talking about goddamn politics.


I don't want to do that.



Don't make me do things I don't want to do.

An explanation of why I probably don't want to watch football with you.

It's football season.



I have such varied feelings on football season. Now, I'm not a huge sports person. I honestly just can't get into most sports, or at least I can't get into watching them on TV. I like to PLAY sports (not really) sometimes, I guess. I like to attend sporting events and drink and...drink. I can actually kind of get into baseball (go Phillies). But even with baseball, which is far and away my favorite sport to watch, I'm not going to be upset about missing a game...in fact, I miss more games than I actually watch. I'm just not a huge sports fan.




But, football. Back to football, specifically. A large part of me WANTS to love it. It signifies the beginning of autumn. If you know me, you know I LOVES ME some autumn. I realize that most people love autumn, but I loved autumn before it was cool to love autumn. I'm an autumn hipster. Also, something about the sounds of a football game on the TV on a crisp autumn Sunday afternoon just makes me feel homey and want to cook up a big pot of chili and drink beer.



HOWEVER.



There are so, so many things about football season that I DETEST. And really, none of them have anything to do with the actual sport. Most of them have more to do with people being assholes. So, here we go. These are the reasons that I've decided that overall, I hate football:

1. Football fans just take shit TOO SERIOUSLY. This definitely happens with other sports; I'm aware. But with football, it's just RAMPANT. You guys, IT'S A FUCKING GAME. Unless you're betting large amounts of money on it (which is a whole different issue entirely), the outcome of the game will not affect your life. I'm a snarky motherfucker. I don't want to be hanging out and drinking, and have to be terrified of speaking because some rabid fan is going to start screaming in my face, aggressively. That's not fun for me. 
2. The whole thing people do where they associate themselves with their favorite team. You know, referring to their chosen team as "us" instead of "them". Bub, you are not part of the team. You're just not. Just stop. Which ties in with...
3. Even the least educated fans yelling at the players on the television as though they know more than the fucking people who are being paid MILLIONS OF DOLLARS to do what they're doing. You're not on the damn field. Until you're able to do whatever the fuck you're yelling at the players for, SHUT UP. 
4. Also, I understand that a lot of these athletes are able to do FUCKING AMAZING things with their bodies. But you guys, they're being paid more than people that operate on our brains. Think about that. What the shit? THEY'RE BEING PAID MORE THAN THE PRESIDENT OF THE COUNTRY. A LOT more. 
5. Fantasy football.
6. People CONSTANTLY TALKING about fantasy football, and not talking about ANYTHING ELSE, EVER.
7. Going to a baseball game is a lot of fun. Going to a football game is (generally) FREEZING COLD

So, those are the major reasons that I've decided that football is more annoying than enjoyable. If you want to hang out and have a good time and watch some games, that's cool. I'm in. I'm even down with some playful shit talking. But once you start taking things WAY too seriously and punching walls and screaming at the TV, I'll be...elsewhere. I don't know. I'm not really on my writing game today guys, sorry.

Just why.

It's late, you guys. It's really late. There is no logical reason that I should be up, sober, at home, at this hour. But, since I'm home alone and 6 years old, I have decided that I need to watch something "cheerful" to prevent myself from...being murdered?



So, I watched an old episode of The Office (I know that that shit should be italicized or quotation marked, fuck off) that TiVo suggested that I watch, and while that was just lovely, it just wasn't enough. Or maybe it depressed me to remember how good The Office USED to be, or  how in love with John Krasinski I was, despite how stupid his hair used to look. This whole paragraph was ONE sentence.

Alright alright, I'm getting to my point. So anyway, I decided to watch something else, and ended up landing on motherfucking Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Why. Am I trying to amp up my killer instinct while I sleep? Have murderous night terrors?

Guy Motherfucking Fieri. I LOATHE this dude. I don't know if it's his FUCKING MIND-BLOWINGLY STUPID hair, his ambiguously-pronounced name, the fact that he frequently wears shirts with flames on them, his shitty restaurants that might as well be a goddamn Applebees, or just his terrible obnoxious personality. UGH, the sunglasses! And don't even get me started on this stupid show. Not only is the narration unbelievably annoying OH MY GOD I HE LITERALLY JUST PRONOUNCED "BAY LEAF" BAH-LEEFAY. As if that were the French pronunciation of the word. Uh...anyway, he's always correcting the damn business owners! He talks down to them like he's the king of every cuisine in the world and not some trashy Nascar enthusiast who swills Budweiser and oh my lord I just remembered he has a son named Harley. GOD!



So, I hate him a lot. But that caused me to realize...I hate about 75% of the people on the goddamn Food Network. And for some reason, I still legitimately enjoy watching it. I wouldn't even necessarily call myself a "foodie", though I certainly love the shit out of food. I don't even really cook very often. I bake, a LOT, but I don't even watch ANY of the million baking shows on TV, as I find them to be unwatchable. But anyway, I can't decide who bothers me more:

Sandra Lee. THIS bitch. Not only does she employ what I find to be the LAZIEST, most horrifying method ever ever EVER (Semi-homeade! Save 3 minutes by adding 500 preservatives and various food dyes to your childrens' food!), but she spends about 90% of the show concocting shitty cocktails and making elaborate table-scapes for every single meal she makes. The WHOLE POINT of the show is to SAVE TIME by using pre-made shit you can buy at the store, and then she turns around and spends 3 hours putting ribbon and silk flowers on the freaking table! And don't get me started on her Halloween episode, of which the entire purpose is for her to prance around in 30 different preposterous costumes. Christ.

Rachael Ray. Eat a dick, Rachael.

Giada De Laurentiis. It took me a while to really decide whether or not I hated her. Her personality doesn't really seem THAT awful, and she loves the shit out of chocolate. But I Cannot. Handle. Her fake Italian accent ONLY used on Italian words, and her big huge cheshire cat mouth weirds me out. Also she refuses to cook ANYTHING other than strictly Italian food. Get a hold of yourself, Giada. Nationalist.

Ina Garten, otherwise known as "The Barefoot Contessa". Okay, her recipes are LEGIT. But she calls herself THE BAREFOOT freaking CONTESSA. What the fuck? Also, she lives in the Hamptons, only shops in this pretentious little gourmet shops, only hangs out with gay men (and her husband Jeffrey, who is clearly also gay), and is constantly name-dropping famous people. Fuck you, Ina.



Please believe I could continue for days...I didn't even touch on Paula Deen and her ridiculous accent. I DO feel that I would be remiss if I didn't mention my undying adoration for Alton Brown, though. I could (and probably will) write an entire separate blog just about his adorable little face, his silly little characters, and the way that he not only teaches me HOW to cook, but WHY I need to do certain things, and the science behind all of that. I love you, Alton. I'm sorry that you have to share a network with all of these ridiculous tools.



I'm sorry that I sometimes write when I'm half-asleep, friends.

Don't judge me.

So, guys. I have a confession to make. You may or may not know this, but I, Jessi Genco, am an EXTREMELY judgemental person. I've tried to change it, but I can't, so now I embrace it. And it's less-so with lifestyles or choices, and more with just stupid things that don't even matter or make any sense. I was just slicing up a banana into some sugar free Jello vanilla pudding (BAM. Delicious.), and it occurred to me that I think it's gross when an adult human person just snacks on a banana. And leads me to believe that said person is weird. And this is just one example of ABSOLUTELY pointless and stupid things that I judge people about. Let's compile a little (probably very abridged) list, shall we?

I WILL JUDGE YOU IF YOU:

• Are over the age of 8 and drink a glass of milk at a restaurant. 
• Or anywhere, other than with baked goods or sweets
• Home-dye your hair
• Listen to country music
• Prefer tea to coffee (Okay, I feel justified in this one. I mean, COME ON.)
• Sleep with socks on
• Use a washcloth for any purpose
• Use bar soap, or have it in your shower
• Use Noxema face cream (not, like, any Noxema products; specifically the cream that comes in a tub)
• Prefer flannel sheets
• OR, even worse, sleep with no sheet at all
• Think it's acceptable to borrow someone's tooth brush under ANY circumstance
• Sleep with a bra on on purpose
• Don't refrigerate your butter
• Or other various condiments (ketchup, soy sauce, mustard, etc)
• DO refrigerate your sandwich bread
• Squirt ketchup all over your fries, instead of dipping them
• Have an outie belly button

I'm seriously having trouble functioning, because now I can't stop thinking about washcloths, and how mind blowingly disgusting they are. I can't handle it. I think if I was to be dating a guy, and he was perfect in every way, and he had a glorious beard and perfect bone structure, if I was to find out he used a washcloth to clean himself it would have to be immediately over.


No joke. I'm done. I'm going to have nightmares about soggy wet washcloths tonight.